[327retro]

John you and Jr. are sick puppies. :roll: :lol:

[Jbe]

Grumps- you are just figuring this out? :lol: :lol: :lol: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[Thumper]

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?


45 lbs.




Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?


45 minutes.

[Jbe]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Honora went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Honora told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." :shock: :shock:

[Coffjr]

Yeah Grumpy - I've been a sick puppy for a long time now.....but it takes one to know one or two. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Good one Thumper but Grumpy didn't call you a sick puppy. You have to work harder to get this distinction.

Poor Grandfather - damn ice cream trucks and their bells.



A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." :| :roll:


Two blonde men (Grumpy and Thumper) find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

Thumper asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Grumpy says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." :o :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

A Long Way Home

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450. :roll:

[Coffjr]

I wonder why? :roll:

[Coffjr]

For you Grumpy.........

[Jbe]

jr, I'm still shaking my head at Grumpy and Thumper with those grenades. :lol: :lol:

Grumpy, is that what Sugar makes for you? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Two priests- Father jr and Father Thumper decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' red-head in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous red-head wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said,

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it; but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Manda.' :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[Jbe]

[redback]

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."
SO SORRY. I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this.
Just couldn't help it!
Little voices made me do it!
And I bet you tried to do the accent, didn't you?
I know you did!
You're grinning aren't you?......

[Jbe]

RB, there certainly IS something wrong with you...but no more than the rest of us. :roll: :o And, yes, I DID do the accent. :o :lol: :lol: After all, this thread is called "GROANER Jokes". :lol:

[Jbe]

:shock: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[Coffjr]

John - I can't speak for Father Thumper - it's the topless bikinis. I have to look at their faces more. :lol:

Redback - what accent? That's how we speak in California.... :lol:

[Jbe]

Redback - what accent? That's how we speak in California.... :lol:

jr, more so at my end of the state than yours. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

Hey John & Jr.,

That invitation if your looking for land in SC is still open. Got a good real-estate agent if you need one. I hear those Space Cadets in Cali want to become there own country. (How's your Mexican) New Northern Mexico? Maybe you, John & Jr. should start a petition to just become North & South Cali and separate yourselves form the fruits and nuts. :roll: Don't know how you guys keep sane there.

You know I love you guys but certainly wouldn't miss Cali as part of the USA. I know it won't happen but...

[327retro]

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?


45 lbs.




Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?


45 minutes.

Thumper, did you out run the rolling pin Lola Bunny threw at ya for that one? :roll:

[Jbe]

Grumps, what you said would be sad if there wasn't a lot of truth to it. But the idiots that are talking Calexit are delusional and only a small percentage of the state. The really sad part about it is that California (only out of state people call it "Cali") has the most illegals and the most on welfare thanks to the numb-nuts in Sacramento. And not everyone who lives here is a fruit or nut.

Sorry for the political comment. To make up for that...

[Jbe]

:mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[redback]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

[redback]

A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a cricket bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bastard off the roof with this cricket bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bugger knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[327retro]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Yep RB that could ruin the bear removers day.

[327retro]

Oh BTW, RB didn't explain what a drop bear is. Here's a photo of one.

[Jbe]

Before Grumps posted the explanation about what a "drop bear" is, I had to look it up. You Aussies are a bit different, RB... but that's not an insult. :lol: :lol: It was a good joke. :lol:

[Jbe]

:mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[redback]

Before Grumps posted the explanation about what a "drop bear" is, I had to look it up. You Aussies are a bit different, RB... but that's not an insult. :lol: :lol: It was a good joke. :lol:

Jb, we take comments like that as a compliment, even when they are meant as an insult. On ya mate.

Grumps, sorry mate, should have put a little more work into that joke, musta bin a bit tired. Anyway, thanks for steppin up with that explanation. Great photo of a "drop bear". An ya all thought Koalas was cute an cuddly........

[Jbe]

RB, that definitely was meant as a compliment. We are a twisted bunch over here. :mrgreen:

[Jbe]

:o :o :shock: :shock:

[327retro]

I'll drink to that John. But you know how us country boys are, I like to stay outside a tad longer and catch the drippings off those Peach blossoms on my tongue.

[Jbe]

Grumpster, cuz that's the kind of southern Gent you are!

[Coffjr]

Gumpy - as John said, the nuts are mostly in Sacramento trying to run and ruin California. A few years back there was talk about separating the state into NorCal and SoCal but that died off.

No fears - I understand some Spanish and speak some - just enough to get my face slapped and maybe a little mas.....and of course - Mas cerveza por favor. :lol:

[Coffjr]

Subject: Old Woman Dancing

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES,
A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND
AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,
"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,
"NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --
STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING,
HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.
THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN
STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,
"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Jbe]

Number 5 says it all. Or as I read/heard once a long time ago... Old age and and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.

[327retro]

Number 5 says it all. Or as I read/heard once a long time ago... Old age and and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.

YEP.

[Coffjr]

Some sage advice.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

4. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

5. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

11. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

12. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

14. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

15. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

And my favorite

19. Never, under any or all circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. :o

[Jbe]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

Those are all great, jr. I've also seen #1 as:

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. Walk about three steps in front of me because you've got a great ass.

:mrgreen:

[Coffjr]

John - I like it.

[Jbe]

The “Coyote Principle.”

California
“The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor’s dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases.
The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for six months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate disease throughout the world.
The governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million lawsuit against the state.

Texas
The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
The governor shoots the coyote with his state issued pistol and keeps jogging.
The governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.”

Those of us from the left coast are well aware of the truth to this. :roll: :roll: :roll:

[Coffjr]

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

[327retro]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: Recon ol' Alan isn't going to get any for quite a while.

[Coffjr]

Get what Grumpy - beer, smokes or a little lovin....I'm guessing all three.

[redback]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

[Jbe]

RB.... :lol: :lol: :lol: Any pics to go along with that? :o

[FastFive]

Vagina = weather joke...
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

An almost blind man walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife.



After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace garment for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.



She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it was supposed to be see-through and he was practically blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.



So she came downstairs completely naked.



"Huh," said the man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."





Read more: http://b93.iheart.com/onair/conrad-920/ ... z4ZFrKj3mt" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[redback]

white an one mate

[Jbe]

Damn! He is just everywhere!

[Jbe]

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!


OR

You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[FastFive]

New yoga position: "Where do I send the child support checks?"