[327retro]

It really doe's scare the crap out of thinking common cense people doesn't it.

A dozen years ago or so a news reporter asked a city slicker what she would do with an impending truckers strike/slow down. She proudly proclaimed, I don't care, I'll just got to the grocery store and get my milk etc. I recon the grocery store has cows, and other behind the store to provide for there every whim. We the thinking people are in such trouble.

[Lothario2]

Hey... did ya'll hear about the guy that married the moonshiner's daughter?

She made him likker every night!

[Lothario2]

Do you know what Cinderella said when she got to the ball?

"guulllaaaackkk"... (choking-gagging sounds)

[Skeetz]

Received this a few days ago from a very friendly, cutie nurse who I've come to know over on the RC side! She's been offering advice over the last few months to help with my recovery. I'm not quite sure how this was supposed to fit into the plan.

image.jpg (211.39 KiB) Viewed 16334 times

Did I mention that she's a really sexy wise ass? But she was also a very good friend, via text messages, on those long agonizing nights in the hospital when I really wasn't at all sure whether I wanted to live or die!

[Skeetz]

Damn, that thing looks huge on the iPad, maybe I should have downsized a little. Huh?

[redback]

Interesting trivia there Skeetz, Im sure e aren't all that shallow tho. And I must be the odd one out as I seem to have larger thumbs than most evidently. lol.

Hope your recovering is well under way mate. I know how you feel, I was there in October, Spent a week wired to a machine and I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Skeetz]

Sadly my friend, I think most of us are! And it would seem that it's the same the world over, my cutie nurse and I arrived at that same conclusion about my thumbs.

Shallow is an interesting choice of a word, given the subject matter! Nothing personal I'm sure. :roll:

[Skeetz]

RB, i've told the story elsewhere but you probably didn't see it. Through the last quarter of 2014 I spent a total of 29 days in the hospital, first with a severe case of diverticulosis, then to prepare me for pancreatic cancer surgery to remove tumors that were discovered during the diverticulosis procedures. Six weeks of no food or drink my mouth, IV feedings only, then a 12 hour seige on the operating table reconstructing my pancreas and removing 40% of my stomach in the process. Another week in the hospital after surgery to get me strong enough to come home. I'm still a long ways from being back to normal physically, but I'm getting there

I'm slowly but surely coming back and that's due in no small part to wonderful nursing care, including a particularly inspiring nurse who I've come to know on the RC side! She keeps a close eye on my chart and offers most delightful therapy as needed!

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[Jbe]

Ohhhhhh, Lothario! Baaaaaad jokes. But this is the Groaner Joke thread. (backdated posts from him above)

[Jbe]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the lady,' Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.' This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown...'

[Skeetz]

I've often wondered what happened to Cinderella, and now just like Paul Harvey we get the rest of the story from Lothario!

If John hadn't mentioned them I most likely would have missed your groaners Lo. it's interesting how they just show up any old place after the quarantine period expires. Sorry about you being stuck between Grumpy and me! A guy could get a complex!

[Skeetz]

John, I can relate to that story, especially the senior citizens part. But that's a really old groaner, I heard it when I was just a young pup, and I could still hear!

I wonder if I'm too old to buy a boat!

[Jbe]

Skeet, with a nurse like that you'll NEVER want to get better. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: I wouldn't want to either.

Speaking of medical assistance...

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the hell is the matter with you" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[redback]

Skeetz, sorry to hear about your problems but Im glad to hear your on the mend. Mine was a torn back muscle, damaged nerve in my right arm and a heart attack. They were not related problems, just a bad run. Unfortunately I don't have a private nurse like you so your one up on me there. My nurses were terrific, they sure earn their wage and then some.

[redback]

Just cant get away from politics

[327retro]

Bartender, Boat & Hiccups. Hmmm, recon I better get my boat going again and head out to party island John. Umm, no I can't divulge where party island is. It's a local secrete and has a habit of moving.

All I can say RB, I hope you don't mind me pinching your political satire and passing it around. We here in the Colonies are facing the same problem. Well done mate.

[Lothario2]

OMG Skeetz... that is rough news about what you're going through! No joke. Looks like you're in good hands tho..

I hope you continue on your road to recovery. When my brother was stage 4 he discovered how cannabinoids were supposed to kill cancer. He fired his oncologist and we made him up some hash oil and made our own little experiment. It was interesting and he reacted positively to the treatments.. but since that sort of thing isn't covered by insurance, medicare or even remotely legal here.. we could not afford to keep up with what he needed and when we ran out... he would fall off the edge of the earth again. We couldn't supply him with more when he needed it. So he was on this up and down roller coaster of running out and then getting supplied again and he finally ran out of time.

I actually believe it works... I've seen it with my own eyes what it can do.

[redback]

Its so wrong when the law that is supposed to protect us wont allow you to save your own life, or at the very least ease the pain of passing. When you see some of the idiot laws they come up with ya gotta wonder what dope the politicians are on anyway.
If your not hurting anyone or leading a minor astray then do what you want.

[Skeetz]

Thanks for the good wishes Lo! Sorry to hear about your brother, I know how frustrating and infuriating it can be to watch a loved one whither away. I went through it with my late wife back in 2000. Most devastating experience of my life, only 101 days after diagnosis, she was gone! Jan. 9, 2001. When I brought her home from the hospital just before our first anniversary in Novemmber, her goal was to enjoy the holidays with family and make it into the 21st-century! With a lot of help from family and friends we managed to accomplish those goals! RIP "Pretty Lady"

Fortunately my cancer was caught when it was still very early stage one. Nothing that a few hours of surgery couldn't eliminate! I don't recall if I mentioned it here before, but I freely admit that I cried like a baby when I heard the Doc say that my cancer was CURED! But now I start a few weeks of chemo just to ensure that it stays gone,

RB, Power Drunk politicians are the scourge of democracy, in both hemispheres!

[Jbe]

Yup. :roll: :roll: :roll:

[Coffjr]

So true John, so true.

Japanese Sex Story

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform a highly erotic sex act:
Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowijanakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodiroumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Miminako undinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Timkouji!"

I Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this –
You don't know Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex....
You need serious help!!!
Sometimes I worry about you. :lol:

[Jbe]

jr.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: Ok... ya got me.

[redback]

This might be of some concern to a few on here.... :lol:

[Skeetz]

I do appreciate the message RB, but I have no pets, so it is really of no concern to me!

What, me worry? LOL

[Coffjr]

John - I don't see many wearing camouflage anymore.....it must be working. :lol:

Redback - are you trying to tell us something? :lol:

The Lemon Squeezer!!!

At a bar in New York City the bartender was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

Over the years, many people had tried.....Weightlifters , longshoremen, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice:
"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said: "Ok...."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could out of it... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....

As the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumber jack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for Internal Revenue Service!!!"

[rockclimber]

:ugeek:

Here's one....


An Irish lass was terribly overweight, so the doctor put her on a diet. 

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds." 

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.! 

"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, 

"Did you follow my instructions?" 

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat 'tird day." 

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. 

"No, from the fookin' skippin'."

da da Dum!


http://24.media.tumblr.com/ea99196b056b ... o1_500.gif


:ugeek:

[Skeetz]

Aye, dat's sure enough a funny story!

But I'm sure tinkin' by what I'm seein', dat fookin' skippin' fur sure, does a Bonnie Lassy good!

[rockclimber]

Indeed!

[327retro]

A timely P.S.A. RB now that seasons are about to change in or respective parts of the world.

Speaking of Timely! Man Jr. you certainly hit that one square. But it ain't lemons that little bastard is squeezing. Thanks to......

Nice little clip at the end Rock.

[redback]

I know many of you have been pondering this crucial question for some time...

[redback]

What did I say that was so wrong???????

[redback]

Im really not sexist but.................

[327retro]

Recon I may have to put someone in my will RB. OUCH on the second one. First woman on the Moon; have you been talking to Sugar? Good thing Sugar will understand that one other wise I may look like that ouch one.

[327retro]

I'm so going to get my tit in a wringer with some. :roll:

[Skeetz]

Grump, I will gladly volunteer to help prove your point!

I've already verified the first two lines! :?

[rockclimber]

Oh.
So.
True....

Off topic,
How's the cold out there gang?

[Skeetz]

No cold here, Rock, not for February anyway.

50* and Foggy at the moment, predicted high this afternoon 70*! Sorry, but you asked!

You'll have to excuse me now though, I have to find another pair of socks for Manda. You know what those Redheads do to a guy!

[rockclimber]

We are having a cold couple of days here and it's interfering with the normal nekkidness round these parts, ha ha!

Have to light a fire!

[redback]

Grump, I will gladly volunteer to help prove your point!

I've already verified the first two lines! :?

I'll confirm the 3rd line Skeetz.. :roll: :lol:

[Skeetz]

What a sport! Willing to take one for the team, are you now RB?

Or perhaps you speak from experience?

[Coffjr]

US Navy sensitivity Training

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."

[Coffjr]

An old joke.

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated

and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when

I'm completely nude."With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the

dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.

"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings

and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,

"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

[DangerousDi]

Coff Jr: Being 1/4 Irish I loved that one.

[327retro]

Hehehe. Jr. would a Strawberry Blond fit that bill? Nah, don't think Sugar would do that but it's a thought. :roll:

[redback]

Do you think hair colour would really matter mate????

[FastFive]

On the topic of "WTF were they thinking?!?"

http://www.chacha.com/gallery/7485/20-a ... e-for-life" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[327retro]

Do you think hair colour would really matter mate????

Got me there RB, must have had one of those senior moments. :roll:

[honora]

What did the stuffing say to the turkey?

You're full of it!

(yes I'm a dork)

[DangerousDi]

@Fastfive: I wonder if my three son's get to do the gal. Crazy some of the pictures.

[Coffjr]

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS -

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto
the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady."I'd better go back and see
if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
" Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come
and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It
used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot
hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his
thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K.,
buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing."OK. Good luck! Oh, by
the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays. :shock: :o