[redback]

I have a lot of respect for the person who let women into the army..
Woman on period + gun....................unstoppable

[redback]

Q.. How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A.. Only one but it takes the entire ER team to get it out.

[FastFive]

Everyone's seen the "dirty lamp" optical illusion...


But here are a few more:

(It's a blank piece of paper... really.)


(This one took me a while to wrap my head around... even with the parts labeled.)


(Well played... :lol:)


(NAKED PARTY GUEST! No... wait... false alarm.)


(All kinds of dirty... until you figure it out.)


(Not to much an optical illusion as just two pervy trees.)




(I really hope that's part of the blanket... :? )


(At first glance... bottoms up!)


(Did nobody proof these images?!?)


(That family is a little too close...)


(Dude's got sexy arms... :o )

[rockclimber]

Clever Fast,

Great start for a Friday!

[Coffjr]

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"


(HERE IT COMES!!!)


The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

[Thinker]

The Stockbroker

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."

His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," his friend said, "why there aren't there any customers' yachts?"

[rockclimber]

The Stockbroker

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there. And look at that huge yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."

His friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," his friend said, "why there aren't there any customers' yachts?"

Very perceptive friend indeed

[Thinker]

Father/Daughter

An elderly father found a vibrator in his daughter's bedroom and asked her about it. She told him that she was 40 years of age, unmarried, hadn't had sex with a man, and that she had to have a life!

The next evening she came home to find her dad sitting with a whiskey dry in one hand and the vibrator in the other.

"What are you doing?" she asked him. "What does it look like?" he replied, "I'm having a drink with my son-in-law!"

[Jbe]

That was a good one, Thinker.

Here's some food for thought.

An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were running it."

"No taxes."

"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."

"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."

"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

"All night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[DangerousDi]

Thinker; that was great.

JBE: it does seem kind of dumb on white man's choices.

[Jbe]

Can't argue with that. :roll: :lol: :lol:

[Cainsterboy]

A lay Shunday School teacher was giving a lesson about the difference between "Faith" and "Knowledge." After some discussion with the class, she asked the Pastor to come forward and give them his idea about the difference.

"Well, you all know my wife and I have six kids!" he said. "She KNOWS they're hers because she gave birth to them."

Then he continued, "But, me? I have to take it on FAITH, that they're mine!"

--Cainsterboy In Australia!

[rockclimber]

That's a good one Cainster!

Welcome to ya Ozzie. We have a few here. VanessaB is a huge Ozzie girl, hope she pops back in soon.

Here's an Ozzie meme in welcome!

[Jbe]

D'oh!

[Jbe]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The manager replies, "Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his manager and says "$101,237.65".

The manager, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The manager said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[redback]

Merry Xmas to all my VW friends.

[Jbe]

Great rendition, Redback. Can't say I've ever seen that version. :lol: :lol:

Note to others... You gotta sing it to get the full effect. Reading it just doesn't do it.

[redback]

Thanks Jb, should have thought to add that advise myself.
Here's one for all you dirty old men and the ladies what love em.


A senior couple were having a drink at their local when the husband leans close to his wife and whispers into her hearing aid, "Remember when we 1st met here in this pub 50yrs ago and we went out the back and I leaned you up against the fence and made love to you?"
"Yes" she replies.
"Lets do it again for old times sake". The husband suggests.
"You dirty old bugger, I'm game if you are" says the wife.
So leaning on each other and their walking sticks they make their way outside.
A cop sanding nearby over hears their conversation and decides to follow them thinking to keep them safe while they have their fun.
Well the couple finally make it to the back yard of the pub. The husband drops his strides and the wife hikes up her dress. The husband moves behind his wife and leaning her against the fence enters her.
The cop, hiding in the shadows, is surprised to see the old codger start hammering his wife with great gusto and the wife bucking backwards to meet his every thrust with equal enthusiasm. They were screwing like a pair of teenagers with much moaning, groaning, crying out, and squealing.
Finally they were finished and they fell exhausted to the ground. The cop go's to them to check that they are ok.
"Are you two ok?" asks the cop.
The elderly couple nod that they are ok.
"Iv never witnessed anything like that in my life" says the cop. "You must have a wonderful relationship and active sex life, but tell me, how do you keep the desire for each other so strong over such a long period and to be so energetic at your age?"
"Well" replies the husband, catching his breath, "I tell my wife I love her everyday, never take her for granted, always find new ways to show my love for her, remember the high points in our relationship like the 1st time we made love and 50yrs ago that fence wasn't electrified."

[Jbe]

Always a good one, Redback. :lol:



A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . .

[Coffjr]

Both John and Redback - classic jokes, always good to read again. My entry for today:

T. P. A. The modern airline that values your safety!
COME TO TPA ..... (Terrorist-Proof Airlines)
TPA is in the safe-flying business!

We can absolutely guarantee no walk-on GUNS, KNIVES, SHOE-BOMBS, SUICIDE-BELTS or other weapons will EVER be carried onto our flights!

Book your next flight with TPA .........

The SAFEST airline in the flying industry!

And if a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obliged to commit suicide... So you're perfectly safe with us!

Please forward to your friends!

We need passengers!!

[FastFive]

[redback]

Just a few wise words that might make you a better person..

[Jbe]

Redback... the bad hair day solution... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: and soooo true!

[Jbe]

With Christmas close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that
it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Merry Christmas and be safe out there…

[redback]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Il pay that one Jbe, Il have to remember that next time Im out on the sauce.

[redback]

More wise words..

[FastFive]

Sandwich lady... where do I sign up?

[redback]

soon as I get my sandwich Il pass her on FF......

[Coffjr]

Is this what we have to look forward too? I hope not!


A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters,
because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were young, good
looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters, because the food and service was good, they had many televisions
to watch the games on and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters,
because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was
good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because the restaurant
was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because they
had never been there before. :lol:

[Jbe]

Is this what we have to look forward too? I hope not!

I sure hope not, jr.

When I got to the last line I was cracking up. Good one! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Good think we have a few more years ahead of us for that. :? :roll:

[327retro]

Good think I ain't there yet. What was the question John?

[Jbe]

What question, Grumpy? :? :? :? :roll:

[Coffjr]

Good one guys, but who are you again? :? :? :roll: :lol:

[Jbe]

Ummmm... I forget... :? :? :?

[Natasha]

That was hilarious Jr! :lol:

Here's one you guys might get a laugh out of................


Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

hehehehe!

[redback]

Natasha, another classic that still gets a giggle. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Coff, Jb and retro, your the reason I come on here.. :lol: :lol:

[FastFive]

That's the story of my life redback. :mrgreen:

[327retro]

That says it all Redback. I have to steal that from you.

[Jbe]

Natasha, that's the first time I heard that one. I was cracking up! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Redback, that seems to be the case with the peeps here as well. Good one!

Coff, Jb and retro, your the reason I come on here.. :lol: :lol:

And always glad to have you here, Redback. You add your share of humor. Feel free to expand your comments to any other threads.... if you don't already.

[Coffjr]

Good one Nat, I hadn't heard that one before either. :lol:

[Natasha]

Guess some of us don't know all the "classics" redback.....

Natasha, another classic that still gets a giggle. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Coff, Jb and retro, your the reason I come on here.. :lol: :lol:

...... you're right though, it was worth a giggle. hehe! I agree about the insane craziness but it doesn't stop with those three, you won't find normal around here period.

[Natasha]

Thanks Jr and John. I hope this next one isn't an old one too but in any case I'll risk posting it. Picking on my own kind, blondes, is one of my favorite pastimes. :lol:

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only Rs. 2000! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...." :twisted:

[Coffjr]

Nat - I have a pet frog for sale. Want to buy it, also come with instructions. :twisted:

[redback]

merry xmas to all

[redback]

most likely

[Coffjr]

An oldie but goodie.........

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son
what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

[Coffjr]

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells
them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only
one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one
gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat
the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished,
otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks
everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one
next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?”

The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the
homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be
handcuffed together for eternity.”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one
of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter
walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.

“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even
nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to
\the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman,
the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then,
without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a
contented sigh and wondered aloud,

“I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”

[redback]

Coff :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
and you can keep the robot.


Two mates, Retro and Coff, died and went to heaven. After the 3 months of grace to learn the rules they are told they will be punished severely if they ever break them.
Retro gets up one morning and cant find his mate anywhere. after looking for ages he spots him floating past on a **** with one arm around a keg of beer and his other arm around a drop dead gorgeous blond, Natasha.
Well Retro goes in search of St Peter to have it out with him.
"Whats the go here Pete" says Retro. "How come Coff got himself a keg and a blonde an I don't?"
"Its punishment" says St Peter.
"Punishment" exclaims Retro "How is that punishment?"
St peter smiles and says "The keg has a hole in it and the blonde hasn't"..

[Jbe]

:roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Thumper, why did I think of you when I saw that? :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: