[FastFive]

I'll just leave this here... :?

[FastFive]

10 SnapChats That Should Have Been Deleted: http://depresseddarth.me/10-snapchats-t ... en-deleted" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; :lol:

[Jbe]

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...

Grumpy, the hand from South Carolina says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Bob, from Texas, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."

Old jr, the cowboy from California, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...

[Turtle]

Having sex is like playing Bridge, if you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand.

[FastFive]

:lol:

[Jbe]

That's funny, Fast. Think that marriage is gonna have problems?

True story, Turtle.

[FastFive]

[Coffjr]

My contribution for the day - posted in the restroom at the local golf course.

Oh John, no comment..... :lol:

[Jbe]

jr.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Fast, another good one. :lol:

[Jbe]

I don't remember if I posted this already. But I took this pic in a pub in England last year when visiting Berty. It is a real pic.

[Turtle]

Jbe I've been to bars that have the two-way mirror above the urinals like that. Usually you get a view of the line to the ladies room. Neat pic.

[Turtle]

Teacher asks little Jimmy, "why in the world did you bring that cat to school today?" Little Jimmy answers crying, "Well when I was leaving this morning, I overheard my daddy say to my moma, "I'm going to eat that p*ssy as soon as little Jimmy leaves for school!".

[Jbe]

Ooops... my mind went right to the pic of Manda's pussy- on her lap. :shock:

[Turtle]

Hahaha, I can see how that'd happen Jbe :lol:
It's a great pic.

[Jbe]

For you, jr.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"'What sort of question?", asked Pelosi.

"Well, you might ask, Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

[Turtle]

I changed my iPods name to Titanic. Its syncing now. :shock:

[Jbe]

And that is why this thread is titled "Groaner Jokes". :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[FastFive]

Which reminds of this pic I saw earlier this week:

[Turtle]

Good one five!

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?
About half way...

I'm here all week, try the veal :mrgreen:

[Coffjr]

John - somehow I find your joke more on the real side for some reason. :lol:

[Jbe]

jr, the e-mail that I got said it was a true story... but I don't know. If it is, that makes a really bad statement for who is running our country... not that it takes a brain surgeon to figure that one out. :roll: :roll: :roll:

Five and Turtle... :lol: :lol: :lol: rim shot!

[Jbe]

:lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

John - :lol: :roll: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

A couple, who have been married 30yrs, go on their 2nd honeymoon. They wanted to relive the wonderful time they had on their 1st honeymoon so they return to the same resort they visited when they were 1st married and requested the same room. As soon as they were alone in the room the wife strips off her cloths and lays back on the bed. The husband stares down at her and says "This time its my turn to sit on the bed and cry cause its too big"

[redback]

Ladies, just o show I can take it as well as give it.



Q, What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a penis?




















A, A man

[rockclimber]

A few for the Wed night cocktail Hour...



This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
I mean, when you are over 50, who gives a shit?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over 50, who gives a shit?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over 50, who gives a shit?

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over 50, who gives a shit?

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Honestly, when you are over 50, who really gives a shit?

[redback]

Im over 50 an I don't give a shit either. good one rock. :lol:

[rockclimber]

Cracked me up when I read it too!

[rockclimber]

Cracked me up when I read it too!

[rockclimber]

A little Texan Humor......

[327retro]

FF, I can relate to your pie chart. Wedding day, both will drain him dry in one form or another. That is unless you live in France or Italy. Then again? I'll go back to my first statement.

[327retro]

Pelosi? I can believe that.

Golf course rest room huh? :lol:

Fine line indeed John.

Rock, I'm 39 :roll: and don't give a crap. Is this a vision of things to come? :lol: Now hold on! Sugar knows how to use jumper cables and were not from Texas.

Great stuff ya'll.

[FastFive]

A dick has a sad life...

His hair is a mess.
His family is nuts.
His next-door neighbor is an asshole.
His best friend is a pussy.
And his owner beats him habitually.

[honora]

^^^Hilarious

Nowadays could also be bald :mrgreen:

[FastFive]

Umm....

Buzzcut!

[rockclimber]

Mmmm,

So we shall be shaving...? I think for Honora, that could be done. Not waxing the boys though..... Just thinking about that gives me the shivers!

Here's a funny one I heard today.....

"An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the ...

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally goes soft serve in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'"

The floor nurse says he should have a full recovery by weeks end..... :mrgreen:

[327retro]

That's just not right. Groaner for sure. :roll:

[Coffjr]

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER. :lol:

[rockclimber]

Beer rocks!

He he......

[Jbe]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said in a bit of a sharp tone, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local police about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed, including my underpants...

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[Coffjr]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the
woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't
you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at
you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from".

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my naked
body, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell,M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and
I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis
ride?

Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

[Coffjr]

Bath Night In Scotland

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday..

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden, I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!" :lol:

[honora]

I saw this and it made me laugh because this reminded me of the days when I used to work at a grocery store - we would write notes on the drywall in the back to a particular person, mostly because he was just hilarious and would do anything to make someone laugh

[Jess]

OK, last post before I leave for work....

This poor lady was talking to the funeral director regarding her husband's funeral the next day. She was in tears as she told him "My husband was always such a sharp dresser. He loved his tailor-made black suit, and always wore it. But my kids gave his clothes to Goodwill, and they accidentally sent that suit. I'll pay you anything if you can find him a tailor-made black suit to be buried in!"

The next day, her husband looked like James Bond in his black suit. She was so happy. She went to thank the funeral director, and asked what she owed.

"Don't worry about it", he said.

"But I at least have to pay you the cost of the suit," she said.

Then he told her the story..."Right after you left, another lady came in, and her husband was wearing this gorgeous suit. I told her about you, and she said 'Its fine. My husband lived in sweat pants, so he won't care what he's buried in'.
So I just switched the heads." :twisted:

[Jbe]

Good one, Honora. Cracked me up. :lol: :lol: :lol: "Some assembly required..." :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jess, groaner for sure. :roll: :lol: :lol:

[FastFive]

Here's some more grocery store stuff:

Wasn't looking for those...


Mmm... tasty!


What a steal!


Racism!! We prefer the term "Caucasian"...


Really? You couldn't find the correct spelling on the packages?


On what calendar?


'Nuff said...


Accurately described.


I'm pretty sure this is just wrong...


Just what mom always wanted!


It's how you get 'em to sleep when they're teething.


Goes with the register pic above.


Extra crunchy.


Pretty sure you're doing it wrong...


More racism...

[rockclimber]

^^^Hilarious

Nowadays could also be bald :mrgreen:

I dunno, I just don't think he has the concept quite right.......?

He he...... :mrgreen:

[rockclimber]

Teacher asks little Jimmy, "why in the world did you bring that cat to school today?" Little Jimmy answers crying, "Well when I was leaving this morning, I overheard my daddy say to my moma, "I'm going to eat that p*ssy as soon as little Jimmy leaves for school!".

Ha!! :lol:

[rockclimber]

OK, last post before I leave for work....

This poor lady was talking to the funeral director regarding her husband's funeral the next day. She was in tears as she told him "My husband was always such a sharp dresser. He loved his tailor-made black suit, and always wore it. But my kids gave his clothes to Goodwill, and they accidentally sent that suit. I'll pay you anything if you can find him a tailor-made black suit to be buried in!"

The next day, her husband looked like James Bond in his black suit. She was so happy. She went to thank the funeral director, and asked what she owed.

"Don't worry about it", he said.

"But I at least have to pay you the cost of the suit," she said.

Then he told her the story..."Right after you left, another lady came in, and her husband was wearing this gorgeous suit. I told her about you, and she said 'Its fine. My husband lived in sweat pants, so he won't care what he's buried in'.
So I just switched the heads." :twisted:

Gulp! :o :o

[rockclimber]

Thinker, believe me, if I m going to flirt, you will know it! :lol:

Indeed.....