[Thumper]

How do you convince a fat girl to get into bed with you?

Piece of cake.

[mandadees]

OMG, THESE ARE HILLARIOUS! :lol:

[DangerousDi]

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism

[CountessFuntime]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....A friend was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

:o

[DangerousDi]

Expert: A fellow who knows 59 ways of making love but doesn't know any girls

[Viscount]

Father Son Talk
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his five-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great, he's five years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[Coffjr]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, and then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Manda led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit, and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Trinity was next. "I sold magazines" she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Trinity", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little JR's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little JR walked to the front of the classroom, and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little JR. "Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little JR. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing: "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little JR got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

[Coffjr]

I hope I never get this old!

[Coffjr]

How about another...

[Coffjr]

And another...

[DangerousDi]

All of them were too funny......

[Thinker]

I remember a cartoon in Playboy when I was a kid. A cowboy had died and was in heaven dressed in his white gown and boots. A beautify angel was lifting up his gown and said, "Looks like you died with more than your boots on!"

[DangerousDi]

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

[Coffjr]

Life is like a penis....soft and hanging freely. It’s women that make it hard.

[Coffjr]

Good old W.C.

[Viscount]

As a young mother was nursing her baby, her cousin's six year old daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what was going on.

After mulling over answers to her questions, she remarked, "My mom has some of those things, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

[Viscount]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

[DangerousDi]

Viscount, that was a good one.

[Thinker]

My soon-to-be ex is probably saying that right now!

[Jbe]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Bubba .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.” “What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Bubba with them two ass-holes.”

[DangerousDi]

JBE: good one.

[Jbe]

Since this is where he hangs out the most I wanted to take this opportunity to wish Viscount a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Where would we be on this thread without your great groaner jokes?! Hope Jaybird has something extra special in mind for you today. :mrgreen:

[Coffjr]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.


By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.


All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

[DangerousDi]

CoffJR: Good one.

[DangerousDi]

This isn't about sex, but I had to post it.
"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Trinity was next. "I sold magazines" she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Trinity", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little JR's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little JR walked to the front of the classroom, and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little JR. "Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little JR. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing: "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little JR got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

[Thinker]

There is so much I would love to comment on about the above. However, this is the jokes sections so....

Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come?"

[DangerousDi]

Thinker I have never met any one (and I know I haven't met you but feel like I have) that thinks out of the box so darn fast, with come backs. They will CUM.

[Jbe]

Ummmmm... not trying to start anything here, folks... but why is the joke DD posted on June 29 the same joke that jr posted on June 2 with jr's own name modifications? :? :? Just saying...

[DangerousDi]

JBE: I didn't realize it had been posted before, sorry.

[Jbe]

Really? Are you serious? Where did you get the joke from then? Especially with names like jr and Trinity! Sorry... but I'm not buying that!

[Thinker]

Sometimes I forget what I have posted and where. I enjoy hearing the jokes again.

Speaking of jokes, let's talk about my ex. Seriously, thought you would like to hear about:

The Good Samaritan

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about...

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

"She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out-of-style.

"She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought you for your birthday, but you never wore, because the color didn't suit you.

"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then, just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

[DangerousDi]

JBE: Are you picking on it, it isn't that big of deal, I made a mistake. I guess I had copied it and put in my saved. Then going through it the other day thought oh good joke, I will post it. Again sorry, but give it up.

Thinker: oh how funny, surprised she didn't ask for jewelry.

[Coffjr]

Male logic vs women’s logic

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

The problem with this joke - the price of beer 20 years ago wasn't $5 - but hey, it's a joke.

[DangerousDi]

Good come back on the Men's response. Sure put the lady in her place didn't he?

[Coffjr]

Thanks DD. No Ferreri for me and I don't really drink beer. But my two classic cars do eat up the money.

[DangerousDi]

Coffjr: What type of cars. My husband has an 90 Shelby Cobra Mustang. He feels like a kid again. He had a mustang he bought when he was a teenager. Had it through our first married years, and then it sold it as he couldn't pay the price to fix it up and some he has regretted every since.

[Coffjr]

DD - one car is a first year Mustang convertible - 1964-1/2. 289 with a 4-barrel, automatic transmission, power steering, power assist brakes, power top, AC. The car is a beautiful blue with a white interior and top. This car is fully original and restored.
The second car is a 1957 Thunderbird. 312 with a 4-barrel, automatic transmission, power steering, AC and two tops (port hole top and white convertible top). This car had power brakes but I converted the brake to front disc brakes for safety. It also has an AM-FM aftermarket radio. This car has been modified for driving but can easily be put back to original condition. White car with a two tone blue interior. I restored the interior a few years ago and the engine is in great condition. I'd like to put a new paint job on the car.
Don't know if this makes sense, you might have your husband read my response for any explanation. Oh and neither car has any rust in it.

[rockclimber]

For Terry, our friend Viscount,

Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”
Student: “False. It was written in ink.”

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

Why did the British soldiers wear red coat?
So they could hide in the tomatoes.

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved.

What’s red, white, blue, and ugly?
The Revolutionary Warthog.

How was the good at the Fourth of July picnic?
The hot dogs were bad, but the brats were the wurst!

Why did Paul Revere ride from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

What was General Washington’s favorite tree?
The infan-tree......

[Thinker]

Love the fly swatter cartoon. It was a keeper.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. The sad part of AAADD is it all makes sense to me.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on

the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table,

and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I

had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I

decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need

to be watered.

I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realize

that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge

where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on

the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
* The car isn't washed,
* The bills aren't paid,
* There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface,
* The flowers don't have enough water,
* There is still only one check in my checkbook,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses, and
* I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is
a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

PS. I just remembered, I left the water running .................

[DangerousDi]

It is called Dementia: Good one here. One of our workers was putting his father in the nursing home. He has dementia and it was so funny to hear this story. He said his dad sees little kids all the time that aren't there. One day he said there are two guys in the house. His son says no dad there isn't. Then his dad goes to the back door and goes those two are mowing my lawn. He said to his dad, hope they come and do my lawn. So the dad walks outside and says "hey mow my son's lawn too". Then he comes in and says "I hope they aren't going to charge me". The funny side of dementia and a true story. Mind you if you missed any of this, was there was no one outside, no one mowing the lawn.

[Coffjr]

Another one dedicated to Terry or better known as Viscount....


Frozen Crabs And The Blonde Flight Attendant..

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[DangerousDi]

Loved it, how funny.

[Coffjr]

Grump Not all blonde jokes pick on the blonde - especially if a lawyer is involved....glad Sugar liked it.

[Jbe]

This is from Grumpy ... who was actually too embarrassed to post it.

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so ...the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

[Coffjr]

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Grumpy" responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Grumpy?"

"I have four questions"

"First: Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

"Second: Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"

"Third: Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

"Fourth: Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks
him his name.

"Jr," he responds.

"And what is your question, Jr?"

"Actually, I have two questions.
“First: Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

“Second: What the hell happened to Grumpy?" :o :lol:

[Jbe]

Ohhhhhhh... jr... that's a GOOD one!

[Coffjr]

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!" :lol:

[Coffjr]

This is a Groaner for sure -


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,




"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

[Jbe]

Yup, jr, that is a groaner for sure! But it made me laugh.

[Coffjr]

Has it come to this? Scroll down to the bottom.