[DangerousDi]

This is a long one, but worth it in the end:

A Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever . You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the h...ole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:

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In your 20's :

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

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In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

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In your 40's :

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

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In your 50's :
Stop what you are doing. Put a on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

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In your 60's :
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

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In your 70's :

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

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In your 80's :

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

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In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[Jbe]

Good one, DD. I hate to admit it but I can relate :cry: :roll: to the 30's. :lol: :lol: :lol: Yeah, I'm trying to pull a "Grumpy". :? :roll:

[DangerousDi]

The 80's reminded me of my MIL's husband that is what he does. Then the 90 I had told my son, farts are all about men. I read it to him this morning and we were laughing like crazy.

[Jbe]

Forever young... :? :? :?

[DangerousDi]

Retro: nope I am not a sick puppy, just a little humor that hits my dry humor.

[Coffjr]

DD - don't worry about Grumpy calling you a sick puppy - it's not a bad thing. He has called almost all of us sick puppies at one time or another. I identify with it.

[Jbe]

Uhhhh... he's never called ME a sick puppy! :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: Ok... maybe he has... a couple of hundred times.

[DangerousDi]

Okay explain the puppy deal. I'm not in the loop.

[Thinker]

BTW, ya'll missed the redneck part. Duct tape, bailning wire and oh ya pop rivets not to mention those wratchet straps to hold your vehicle together. Trust me on that one. :lol:

See ya.

I thought the wratchet straps were to hold down the hood. But I'm confused. I thought rednecks did not have hoods!

[DangerousDi]

JBE: A little slow here, until I looked up Holidays for April, I didn't realize you were honoring Peanut Butter and Jelly Holiday April 2nd. That is one I will skip, because I don't like peanut butter. Yeah, hard to believe that, but true. I do eat Reece's cups. It comes down to the difference in the texture. I guess no sliding with pb and jelly here. It gags me, and so does cum.

[Jbe]

Grumps, that's pretty much it. I might add it's someone with a twisted and warped sense of humor. Yup, that's me. :mrgreen:

C'mon... at 10° below that's a COLD night. Snuggling would be good. :? BTW, did you know that the group "Three Dog Night" supposedly got their name from a sheepherder's term. Depending how cold it was was how many dogs you snuggled with. A 3-dog night was really cold. No, I am NOT making that up. I heard that somewhere a long time ago... probably long before Grump was born since he's only 39. :lol:

DD, you don't like peanut butter?? That's almost...un-Amerikun. :? I guess we won't be sharing a sammich. :twisted:

Thinker, I'm not sure whether rednecks have hoods or not. About all I really know about them is, "Hold my beer and watch this!" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[DangerousDi]

JBE: I am definitely an AMERICAN but I don't like watermelon either. I know kind of strange.

[Coffjr]

Grump, I like ya dude, but no tents for me. Who says I'm a little twisted with a warped sense of humor??

John, I've also heard that about 3 Dog Night.

DD - I'm a peanut butter eater from a way back but hate Reece's cup. I like my chocolate separate. BTW - Grump says "fur-en-ners" - he wasn't born here in the US, Germany wasn't it Grumpy?

OK, now lets get back on track with Groaners:

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her Bronco at the next pump. (Sugar - was that you? :? )

She looked at the ammo in the back of my SUV and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy". "Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?" :lol:

[DangerousDi]

CoffJR: Actually I am totally addicted to chocolate. I could skip any candy but chocolate. I can relate to your comments.

Retro: what are you targeting, want to come and get some bunnies that keep ruining my yard?

[DangerousDi]

Retro: Yes they are ruining our yard we take extreme pride in our 1/2 an acre and they eat the grass down to the ground, I am going to get some cayenne pepper hear it works. They would go under our deck and eat the cords to our new fountain, so we blocked that off. Little buggers. Did I forget to say we have snakes from time to time, deer that eat certain bushes and ruin them and tress (but we have the trees protected. Now any other critters I don't know about and think I am a city gal and live in the city.

[DangerousDi]

Retro: We have the moles too but our neighbor has a new cat and watch out everything.....found a dead mouse at my door step and bet it was the cat. She walks around like she is king of the jungle, let me tell you. I tried to feed her some salmon and she wasn't at all interested. Checked out my house, like she owned it. Her name is stinker and all black. I am allergic to cats, but I love this one.

[Jbe]

Does anybody else ever read the Bad Humor on the Front Page? More than once I've noticed a joke seemed familiar. Today's for instance... I posted the same one on this thread March 17. I wonder if Admin sometimes checks these out when they run dry. Hey, I take that as a compliment. I know there are lots of lurkers out there that check out the jokes. To all of them, please feel free to add your own.

[DangerousDi]

Reto: Bra vs panties - I think it is just the English Language and it is confusing to learn. I think it should be the other way around: Bras for two boobs, and panty for one part of the body.

[Thumper]

Nuff said

photo.JPG (45.41 KiB) Viewed 27699 times

[Jbe]

Thumps, you may have to explain that one for me. I'm not sure if you hit your head or the Lady cut you off.

[Thinker]

Reto: Bra vs panties - I think it is just the English Language and it is confusing to learn. I think it should be the other way around: Bras for two boobs, and panty for one part of the body.

What about a pair of pants? Pants is already plural, but we to have a pair of them (it?).

[Thinker]

I can see that the duct tape could either be redneck birth control or redneck brazilian hair removal.

[DangerousDi]

Thumper: that just looks too painful. Even the residue from the tape could be a problem too. Ouch.

[Skeetz]

Yep! Once again, Thumper proves himself a truly "Sick Puppy!"

Wonder how he got a hold of my 200 mph Racing tape.

[Jbe]

DILEMMA

· One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”

· He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example

· to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying naked in a big bed

· with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man

· on the other.

· Who are you going to turn your back on?

[DangerousDi]

JBE: Now that would be a hard one for a guy and no pun intended.

[Jbe]

DD, it "wood" indeed- pun intended. :lol:


A blind man was flying in a small plane when his brother, the pilot, suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio & figuring out how to operate it, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller, thinking he had a possible nut on his hands, answered,

"I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind, how do you know you are flying upside down?"

"Because I have shit running up my neck!"

[Jbe]

Saw these fictional drinks on the net this morning. I take no credit for them. :? :roll: :roll:

Orange juice, Grey Goose vodka and Viagra- it's called a "Screw Me".

Jack Daniels and LSD- it's a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.

[Coffjr]

I got this one this morning:

[CountessFuntime]

A blonde, brunette, and a red head head out out one evening to the new Rainbow Bar in town. The concept was you slide down the rainbow and say your favorite drink on the way down and there is a big pot of it for you when you get to the bottom. The brunette goes first and says "Margarita" and is rewarded with her favorite beverage. The redhead says, "Champagne" and is very happy with the result. The blonde gets on the rainbow and says, "Weeeeee!"

[DangerousDi]

Cfun: So does that mean she got the bartender instead of a drink?

[CountessFuntime]

DDi...think of a liquid that little kids call wee.

[Thinker]

I like DDi's response where "Wee" was the blonde and bartender.

"Waa hoo" would get you a martini with a wahoo instead of olive. And to the blonde's credit, it would have to be a very large martini too!!

[DangerousDi]

"The Argonaut is an octopus with a shell. As bizarre as that sounds, in 300 B.C., Aristotle proposed that the female Argonaut used her shell as a boat and her eight arms to row it! Have no fear. Enjoying The Argonaut probably won't lead you to proposing any new theories about the natural world, but after a long day, you might still be tempted to contemplate the animal kingdom while savoring this refreshing Sauvignon Blanc, and maybe snacking on a ring, or two, of calamari!" Okay I say forget the calamari, but imagine men if you had that many arms what you would be doing when you also had sex? I hear that the wine is good. I just want it because I am an ocean/sea decorator and I would love the bottle an trying the wine wouldn't be bad either. It of course has a octopus on the front of the bottle.

[Coffjr]

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed, many men still sleep with their wives!

[Jbe]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”

[DangerousDi]

JBE: That was fantastic. Great ending.

[Jbe]

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer:If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your damn Ferrari?

[Coffjr]

This is not a groaner but I thought a good place to post this picture:

[Jbe]

That is some nice art work, jr. And the only reason I find it appropriate that you placed it in this section is that I am groaning cuz I can't have her. :? :cry: :cry:

[Jbe]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[CountessFuntime]

On a US Navy ship open house visiting day, an elderly lady asked if she could talk with some ship's officers.

She was escorted to the wardroom where she found four officers. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Engineer and his job was to provide propulsion & power to the ship at all times.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything on the ship.

She turned to the Executive Officer and asked, "Well, young man, what is your job?"

He replied, "Ma'am, I am the Captain's Sexual Adviser."

Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple Ma'am. The Captain has told me that when he wants my f _ _ _ing advice, he'll ask me.

[DangerousDi]

Countessfun: she probably fainted. I wonder what her real reason was to go back and ask them what they did? Like she had a mission. Can't stand not knowing. I know the joke doesn't tell and the joke ends as is. Good one.

[Coffjr]

Remember, I don't write these - I just forward them on:

The Promise Today's Devotional Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth". Then he made the earth round...
and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

[DangerousDi]

CoffJr: Now isn't that just wrong.

[Jbe]

As always good ones from jr and Viscount.

Here's another for... Grumpy.


I love to hunt.

On my last outing I had a bull tag.

As I was coming over a little rise he suddenly
appeared right before me!

I had him in my cross-hairs.

But I just couldn't pull the trigger.

Some would call it sportsmanship.

I like to think of it as...


PROFESSIONAL COURTESY!

[Skeetz]

. . . that Elk is really in a Rut!

Yeah, I wouldn't have had the heart either.

[DangerousDi]

Tee Hee, aren't you are so funny! (Statement rather than a question).

[Thinker]

Would give new meaning to "shooting a load."

[CountessFuntime]

The buck stops here.