[Coffjr]

THIS IS AN OLD JOKE, BUT STILL GOOD…

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'

[Jbe]

And still a groaner, jr.

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

[Coffjr]

Yes John, and the groaners continue to come.... :lol:

[Coffjr]

John was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" John asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots
of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

John replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home,
go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a
place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if
you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.

[Coffjr]

New blonde joke time...

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE
THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE ."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SO SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ."

[Skeetz]

Awwwrrrgggg,

I think that blond in Jr's groaner might have been my first wife . . .

. . . story sounds all too familiar. :roll:

[Jbe]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

[Coffjr]

Good one John! :lol:

[Jbe]

Wouldn't that be fun to do with some annoying person, jr? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Thinker]

Love it. I know I will share that one on FB.

[Jbe]

YOU, Grumpy??? Not the clean cut innocent? I never would have guessed. :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[Jbe]

1. Sugar says to Grumpy, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Grumps said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

2. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

3. Berty asks Rita, "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?"
Rita replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

4. An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, "I
just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Coffjr]

Enjoy

[Coffjr]

Two more....

[Coffjr]

Little Bruce and Margaret are only 10 years old, but they know they are in
love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes
to Margaret's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Margaret are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10, where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In
Margaret's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Margaret."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Margaret makes five bucks
a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that
should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have
one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little
children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little shit is adorable.

[Thinker]

LOL. And when they are 20, they can have the same conversation!

[Coffjr]

Grumpy, by the time they hit 65 - there may not even be that much.

[Coffjr]

It's been a "Hell of a Day"...


There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink
when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my
drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd
CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting this morning and my boss
fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been
stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab
that took me home. When I got home I found my wife in bed with
another man... and then to top it off, my dog bit me"
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the
poison dissolve.. and then you show up and drink the whole damn
thing!
"But, hell, enough about me... how are you doing?"
__________________________
Things Get Better With Age.....
I'm Approaching Magnificent

[Coffjr]

Perspectives....

A doctor from France says:"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting :"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work. :lol:

[Coffjr]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 75.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 81. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

My new answering machine message:
"I am not available right now but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

[Coffjr]

I KNOW MANY OF YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON.


WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........


Alabama beat Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach.
Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......
How do we get the White House to play Alabama????? :lol:

[Coffjr]

Thanks Grumpy, I've been getting some good one lately. And talking about good ones:


TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER "WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.

"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO."

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

[Coffjr]

Now lets go for a 2fer:


A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming'. He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.' :lol:

[Thinker]

Want to meet some women who like this position.

[Coffjr]

Why I am Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....
followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....



On the couch......





Naked. :lol:

[Coffjr]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.

[Coffjr]

As Grumpy would say (or was that John?), I'm on a roll.

LESS

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!
*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tires ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
In fact we are ~ Speechless

and

Our Congress is CLUELESS!!

[Coffjr]

For my blonde friends.....

[Thinker]

Definitely don't want to show the Blonde Corn Maze to them early. They may google for the way to migrate through it and take all of the fun out of it for themselves.

[Coffjr]

Costco job interview

Jennifer a manager at Costco had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm .... let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened ... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

Louie is now the new greeter at a Costco near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Costco from now on. :lol:

[DangerousDi]

CoffJR: that was great.

[Jbe]

Let me ease back into it... with jokes I've been saving.


Attempting to Set A New Password:

Website: Sorry that password has expired - you must register a new one.

User: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

Website: No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.

User: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Website: Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

User: OK, roses

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: OK, pretty roses

Website: No good, you must use at least one number.

User: OK, 1 pretty rose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

User: OK, 1prettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

[Jbe]

My Living Will

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my bourbon.

The little bastards!

[mandadees]

Poor John, I'll have to fix you a Manda Special!


Wait for it!

If I see enough posts on the boards I just might do a flash, ha ha!


:lol:

[Thinker]

Here is post #1. Is that enough for a flash Manda? I am holding my breath waiting for an answer.

[mandadees]

From you I want a novel Thinker!

Or at least three good naughty paragraphs and then we'll see, ha ha!

I'm not THAT easy! Hahahahahaha

[Coffjr]

But Manda, I've posted many jokes. Don't they count for that flash?

[Jbe]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

[Thinker]

From you I want a novel Thinker!

Or at least three good naughty paragraphs and then we'll see, ha ha!

I'm not THAT easy! Hahahahahaha

I posted a story with more than 3 naughty paragraphs. But I will work on something more for here...just for you.

[Jbe]

So where is that "Manda Special"?

WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

[Jbe]

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Coffjr]

John - good ones. My guess on the last one - pushed.

Here is one to ponder over:

[Coffjr]

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies. :lol:

[DangerousDi]

Coffjr: that was great.

[DangerousDi]

Coffjr: that was great. I thought maybe she was going to get herself another man.

[Jbe]

I love that one, jr.

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

"Ron, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty....the schmuck had a newspaper route."

[Jbe]

What can I say?!

[Jbe]

TOP TEN INDICATORS YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE

10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters (or maybe at jr's). :lol:

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

3. The only expense covered 100% is…. “Embalming.”

2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape!

[Coffjr]

John's back and on a roll! Great ones and yes, I do breast exams in my back room. Why does the examination table look like a bed? Because it is one! :lol:

[Jbe]

A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama", she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"...

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language --Things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home!! PLEASE MAMA"

"Rachel, Rachel", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter."I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! JUST COME GET ME, PLEASE"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like: "DUST, WASH, IRON, and COOK ..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother.