[Jbe]

Ron knows.... :roll:

[Thinker]

Is that you John?

[Jbe]

Naaaahh... my hair isn't that long... and it's gray. And as far as any other comparison to Ron... :roll: :roll: never mind.

[Jbe]

Is this those laser pointers you were talking about, Thumps? Or was that Rock? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Grumpy went to the sheriff’s department to report Sugar was missing.

Grumpy: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Grumpy: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Grumpy: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Grumpy: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Grumpy: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe strawberry blonde.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Grumpy: Could have been a skirt or Daisy Dukes. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Grumpy: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Grumpy: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point Grumpy started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll:

No offense, Sugar.

[BabyCakes]

Hahahaha too funny! That was a good one john lol

[Coffjr]

Grumpy in a Ford? That's even funnier than the joke. :lol: Sorry Grumpy & John.

[Jbe]

That's right... BabyCakes is the Ford girl. But the joke doesn't work quite the same. :? :roll: :roll:

[Jbe]

Not trying to be disrespectful, but I thought about Jeny when I saw this one. :o

[327retro]

Grumpy in a Ford? That's even funnier than the joke. :lol: Sorry Grumpy & John.

We really need to have a talk with John, don't ya think Jr.?

[redback]

2015 is only 2 weeks old. If Grumpies wife put a scratch on his ute already I have a pretty good idea why she is missing...... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Actually, Redback, it would likely be the other way around. Sugar would kick Grumpy's sorry ol' butt if he scratched HER truck. :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

Actually, Redback, it would likely be the other way around. Sugar would kick Grumpy's sorry ol' butt if he scratched HER truck. :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: Sugar sounds like my kinda girl :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

Actually, Redback, it would likely be the other way around. Sugar would kick Grumpy's sorry ol' butt if he scratched HER truck. :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

You've got a point there John. But I still can run faster the her.

[327retro]

Actually, Redback, it would likely be the other way around. Sugar would kick Grumpy's sorry ol' butt if he scratched HER truck. :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: Sugar sounds like my kinda girl :lol: :lol: :lol:

You don't know the half of it Redback. I don't want to take too much time away from this Groaner Joke section so lets just say. Sugar's bike is a 750 Triumph Bonneville, was slightly modified by me, her truck doesn't shift itself. What I'm about to say next will send the Pussy Politicians and the PC crowed world wide into an apoplectic fit. As much as I'd love to see that, I must take my leave.

G' Day

[327retro]

Talk about perspective of late.

[redback]

327, :lol: :lol: :lol: we have a state election here in 2 weeks. Very appropriate. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

Actually, Redback, it would likely be the other way around. Sugar would kick Grumpy's sorry ol' butt if he scratched HER truck. :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: Sugar sounds like my kinda girl :lol: :lol: :lol:

You don't know the half of it Redback. I don't want to take too much time away from this Groaner Joke section so lets just say. Sugar's bike is a 750 Triumph Bonneville, was slightly modified by me, her truck doesn't shift itself. What I'm about to say next will send the Pussy Politicians and the PC crowed world wide into an apoplectic fit. As much as I'd love to see that, I must take my leave.

G' Day

Damn, looks like you got yaself a good one, mate. The trumpet is a nice ride, had one many years ago.

[redback]

Enough small talk, back to jokes.

[Thinker]

Love the video messaging picture. Wonder which chatroom will get that installed first?

[redback]

Love the video messaging picture. Wonder which chatroom will get that installed first?

Don't know Thinker but Im signing up for it. lol And guess what the missus got for xmas....lol

[Coffjr]

This explains it all:

[327retro]

Do biker chicks count?

[Coffjr]

Grumpy - hell ya biker chicks count! Just the thought of one in leather chaps and a vest on the back of my Harley gets a rise out of me. :lol:

[Coffjr]

A lawyer says to his wealthy art collector client:

“I have some good news, and I have some bad news for you”

The art collector replies:
“I’ve had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says:

“Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures
are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The client replies enthusiastically:
“Well done, very good news indeed! You have just made my day; what’s the bad news?”


The lawyer responds:
“The pictures are of you screwing your secretary.” :o

[Coffjr]

I am in the hospital trying to recover from a brutal attack..

I was badly beaten by a woman in an elevator.
A witness got her photo.

I was in the elevator when she got in. I was casually staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press "1"?

So I did...and I don't remember much afterwards, but I guess I pushed the wrong one!

May be out of the hospital in a few days.

[Jbe]

jr.... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: to both of them.

[Coffjr]

Thanks John....

David Lettermans Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05... Three times a day is possible.

#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE
reason why golf is better than sex......

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Damn-it Jr. your on a roll there buddy.

The other day I noticed Manda told Thumper to cut down on the bacon. When I came across this a few minutes ago I couldn't help myself.

[redback]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
An old bloke told me just before I got married,
"Brave men shoot themselves, cowards get married and die slowly" lol

[redback]

Multi-tasking

[327retro]

LMAO! the visual alone is priceless RB.

[Jbe]

Grumps... true dat about bacon! :lol: :lol:

Redback, I have two cats. Just think how much more effective it would be with two cats jostling against each other during the "power wash" stage. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

How The Internet Got Started - According To The Bible.

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best offer. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Exceptional Rich Determined Semites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com


Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

A good Aussie story. (No, Redback, I didn't change the names in this one.)

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Bruce".

One day Bruce 's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney , relocating to Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable heart disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon????

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[Coffjr]

Good ones John - you had me going on the second one. :lol:

[Coffjr]

These are for Sugar and any non blonde women out there:

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine".

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
“Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies:
"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."


A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied:
"Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[redback]

Good one Jb. No you didn't catch me out. I know Bruce and he became a minister of parliament, not a doctor...lol
Actually ALL our politicians are named Bruce.. lol

[redback]

Speaking of politics. Do you know where the name POLITICS comes from???
Well its made up from the latin POLY meaning MORE THAN ONE and the English TICK meaning BLOOD SUCKING PARASITE...

[redback]

Grumps... true dat about bacon! :lol: :lol:

Redback, I have two cats. Just think how much more effective it would be with two cats jostling against each other during the "power wash" stage. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

JB, my name aint Bruce. There is only 1 way Id consider playing with 2 pussies at the same time and that aint it. :lol: :lol: :lol:
But I would like to watch if you try it... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

Speaking of politics. Do you know where the name POLITICS comes from???
Well its made up from the latin POLY meaning MORE THAN ONE and the English TICK meaning BLOOD SUCKING PARASITE...

RB; Man you don't how right you are with that analogies. Hope your country folk voted some ass wipes out and get your God given freedom back. Sadly it's a groaner but certainly isn't a joke.

[redback]

Speaking of politics. Do you know where the name POLITICS comes from???
Well its made up from the latin POLY meaning MORE THAN ONE and the English TICK meaning BLOOD SUCKING PARASITE...

RB; Man you don't how right you are with that analogies. Hope your country folk voted some ass wipes out and get your God given freedom back. Sadly it's a groaner but certainly isn't a joke.

I hear ya 327, sadly I think all we did was change the colour of the toilet paper..

[Jbe]

I hear ya 327, sadly I think all we did was change the colour of the toilet paper..

Good one, Redback. Never heard it put that way before. But it's perfect! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Confucius Say........
OK to let a fool kiss you,
But not OK to let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say.
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs
For real merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.

Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy

Confucius Say.
Drunken man's words
Often sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say.
Marriage is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ......
One hour wait for 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say.
Joke is just like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.

[Coffjr]

No needed explanation for this one.

[Coffjr]

OIL CRISIS

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabam a
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And Texas
~~~
Our dipstick is located in the White House!
~~~
Any Questions? NO? Didn't think So. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

Good one Coff.
Politics seem to be the theme for the moment so

[redback]

and something different

[Coffjr]

Illinois humor

I was driving through northern Illinois a couple of months ago listening
to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago . People were calling in all upset about
the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field because of the team's poor performance.

Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why
are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".

Almost ran off the road!

[redback]

Illinois humor

I was driving through northern Illinois a couple of months ago listening
to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago . People were calling in all upset about
the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field because of the team's poor performance.

Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why
are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".

Almost ran off the road!

:lol: :lol: :lol: Talk back wireless can be interesting at times.... lol
Remember few years ago driving out of Adelaide during our biggest drought in history and listening to city folk advising farmers how to save water. Some of them had me in tears. Like the bloke who reckoned all farmers should install desalination plants. Where the hell is a farmer going to get a few million to buy one and what was he going to do with the salt wasn't discussed.