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Damn John, she does have eyes! :lol:

How 'bout that, jr?!

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
His answers seem OK to me

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

How old were the kids that answered? LOL

We just hosted an event and we have a program at work that helps kids in school. The gals decided to do up some questions that they use, but the fact is most didn't know the answers and it was only 5th grade questions.

Got this in an e-mail from an old friend this morning . . .



. . . . Yesterday my daughter, Brenda asked again why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior citizens center and hang out with the ladies.

So, trying to humor her, off I went and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her, excitedly, that I had joined a parachute club. I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

Brenda said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

Brenda looked at the card and said wide eyed, "Good grief, did you lose your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh Lord, I'm in trouble again. But it could be worse," I told her, "I only signed up for three jumps a week."

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun. . . . . .

You just can't keep us "old folks" down!

Grump... us seniors?? Oh yeah... you are only 39. :? :shock: :roll: :lol:

And now for a little non-senior groaner:

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olies answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear vaht he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now vot vud you say?'

The doorbell rang and Viscount 2.2 got up to answer it. Across the room I heard two ladies introduce themselves as being from a local church and asking what V2.2 knew about the resurrection. He responded that he had heard if it lasted more than four hours, you should call the doctor.

I don't think they're coming back.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

The Priest's Ass

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Only a golfer would understand this story of a GOLFER AT THE DENTIST.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . . .

I saw this posted in another forum and googled it to see if it was legit, it popped up with multiple sources so I'm guessing it might be accurate. Anyway, I found it amusing.

Mt. Vernon Texas Newspaper Headline

MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

And talking about Texas

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 4", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

The jokes are great.

Please DD, feel free to join in with a joke - Groaner or not.

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books;
'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Grump

I'm groaning, but sadly, it's not a joke

Jr,

I I love the Titanic analogy!

Grumpy, so true, so true!

MEDICAL UPDATE
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! This is good to know.

Nova Scotia Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know

John - I'll remember that if I need some major surgery. Here is one for y'all:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

Grump - I forgot and left that fact out of the story.

CoffJR: that was a great one. LOL

That "Lena" story brought back memories of Lucille Ball . . . "I Love Lucy."

Might be a re-run... but still good.

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah .

He died not knowing that he would someday win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE
I do hope this test will be of benefit to you. This is a topic we don't enjoy, but one we must face, and the more we can know about this terrible disease, the better equipped we can be to combat it.

If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S

Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

But you are a Pervert.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

Just so you don't feel lonely, Grump, I answered them most likely the same as you. :?

John and Grumpy, I started off to answer correctly until I got to the second word - it went downhill from then on - yes, I'm a pervert too. :lol: And a sick puppy with this one....

DILEMMA

One friend said to the other: what is a dilemma, actually?

He replied: well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying naked in a big bed with a beautiful naked young
woman on one side and a naked gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

Here is another old one....

Sex on Mars

The year is 2222 and Jr and Donna land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Jr asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Donna brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' she asks…

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Donna and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips... He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Donna.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Jr asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Donna, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

A 5 year old boy was visiting his grandma one day. He looked up and asked her "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma answered, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, but couldn't get the picture to focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV to try to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he went to answer the door. There stood Grandma's minister.

The minister asked, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

"Yeah," the little boy replied, "she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

It has just dawned on me...

My dog sleeps about 20 hours per day. He has his food prepared for him, he can eat whenever he wants, and his meals are provided at no cost.

He visits the doctor once an year and again if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me.....
I think my dog is a member of the government.

Sex on Mars... jr, that was a GREAT joke! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Hey, Lady T! Your dog sounds like he has it made. Can I come live at your house?? :mrgreen: :lol:

During my recent physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described
a typical day this way.

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four '*** behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!'

"No", I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" Donna asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" Donna asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her undies and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," Donna asked, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

As it happens

Grumpy has been inventing stuff.

Wine goggles...

I'm trying to figure out why Jaybird begins all of her conversations with me with, "Viscount, are you listening to me?"

Poem for the day:

He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,

I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him
Like his mother used to do.

Good one, jr.

Each Friday night after work, Grumpy would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Grump's neighbors were Catholic.

And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Grumpy, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Grumps attended Mass. And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Grumpy's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Grump's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Grumpy, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you iz a catfish."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Good Advise:

Sugar, that's probably what you were after. :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :lol: :o

That is good advice, jr.

Enuf said

Did I miss something?

A good reason to live in Wisconsin (maybe the only reason) and not live in Illinois or Chicago:

John - I failed in mind reading, only when she had a certain look in her eye. I knew to get the hell out of the way. :lol:

True enuf, jr. I failed in mind reading as well- MANY times. I keep hoping that skill will improve as I get older but it hasn't worked yet. :?

Wisconsin- Land of the cheese and home of the armed.

Hmmmmm.... I dunno...

Grump - good luck on the sign especially since I see your state capital is giving in and lowering the Stars and Bars.

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. No need to writing back to tell me that possum is not white meat.

Grump, I don't really drink that much wine so I have no idea. When I pick up wine for my friends who come over, I get it at Trader's Joe - it's known as Two Buck Chuck but actually called Charles Shaw. Nothing but the best for my friends. :lol: I'm actually told, it's not that bad. I have no idea, I'm from the Thunderbird and Ripple days.

Wal-Mart wine, huh?! I'll pass. Love the creative names, though.

Good old two buck Chuck. :? :roll: Some people like it. But I'm not one of them.

Grump, you mean you don't just go out to the still in the back yard down by the crick?