The Amateur Message Boards of the World Famous VoyeurWeb

LMFO!!! Jr, Thinker, Graydawg &redback that's some funny s**t guys.

Primary advantage of a rotary wing is it creates a down draft for lift. Although a fixed wing has it's advantages. It exerts power to the rear for forward motion. Granted it takes longer but one can't rush those rear thrust engines. Could make for a turbulent flight not to mention a very unhappy stewardess. :roll:

Welcome to this board redback and greydawg - it's nice to see new blood join in on the fun with some good jokes.

And Thinker - keep up the good jokes.

Grumpy - did you see the side of the Airplane - it says Southern Comfort.

Jr, there was no need to ask. Put a smile on my face right away. I remember a few years or so ago some of use did a bunch of nose art pro pic's. Love that you put one up again. Now I'll have to find some. Just hate having to resize everything all the time with this new system. Honestly it sucks. Hope they get back to the old 800X800 system.

Take care buddy, have a great weekend.

Later!

Graydawg I want to share some shine with you at the fire pit on a weekend. Legal shine of course! And do some ratchet jawing with ya. Where did you get this Sports Political Correctness from? It's brilliant!!!

Anyway got to git. Later.

Retro, I receive a lot of jokes on e-mail so it's great to find a place to share some of them with.

Retro, thank you for the kind offer of some shine and philosophical discussion. Sitting around a fire pit with a drink and some good company sounds mighty fine.

AS I'VE GROWN OLDER .......

As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!!!

Safe sex:
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong:
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By:
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging:
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back".

VIDEO SCAM:
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on, so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute:
Doctor asks the pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
The Ho replies, "Hey, dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?”

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

DAD, ABOUT YOUR WILL...

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "


"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"


"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!' ”

Hooters (is this YOU???)


During a long day of looking around Cabela’s, a couple
of my friends and I stopped in at ‘Hooter's for some
Hot Wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me
which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and have to pee a lot.....

Let me just say this about that! LOL you guys!

No comment needed.

Grewdawg: Good ones.

And it took an enlisted man to come up with correct answer. . . . . .
A perfect insight into the military!

A U. S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

According to a serious survey 99.9% of males looking at this picture won’t notice the mouse on the donut.

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign. "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I'm entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign, "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign, "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

Good one Coffjr! The way my mind was going I thought that with Pinocchio the punch line was going to be something to do with lying and having a woman sit on his face. But I like the punch line the way it is as well.

There is a mouse on a donut? Where? I still cannot see it!

Me neither, Thinker. And I've been studying that pic intently.

Yep! I'm among the 99.99% and proudly so. I found the li'l bastard on the third perusal though.

I hate mouses!

Something must be wrong with my eyesight...I noticed the mouse right away. But the photo was scrolled down so all I had to distract me were the donuts. The mouse, and the donuts magically disappeared as soon as I scrolled up though...how do they do that? :?:

Yep! The drafted or enlisted men know how that works real quick Dawg. :lol:

Jr, punch line with the wooden boy pricless.

A man is at work one day when he notices his male co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense". The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings". "Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an earring", he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck". :lol:

Good one, jr. :lol:

I came across this the other day and I laughed so hard I had to share....

A man unhappy with his weight calls a company ad he saw on television that guaranteed a 10 lb. weight loss in 5 days. The representative on the other end of the line said it involves a personal trainer at no additional cost and after careful thought he agrees.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, gorgeous woman dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day / 20 pound loss program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but athletic running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day / 50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

"Positive?" she asks again; "we only reserve this for those who are prepared to lose the weight..."

He again pronounces his assurance.

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you....."

OMG Honora,

I spilled my tea!!!

LOL!

I'm a demon trainer, I prefer free weights and spin though, running braless, uhm- no ROFL!

Soo funny!

Manda!! LOL I prefer the weights too! Exxxxxhalllllllllle

Oh yes! I love to get into my groove and just sweat. It helps so much to get my mind tuned in and the week's crap tuned out! Breathe!!! ha ha ha!!

Honora, that was a good one! I didn't spill my tea but I did get a good laugh.

Nice new propic, Manda.

I'll sign up for the first 2 weeks if Honora and Manda show up! I just need to lose 15 pounds!

Knock, knock!

Who's there? Manda? Is that you? Did you bring Honora with you? I could stand to lose a few pounds and it would be a lot more fun with the two of you chasing me. Wait- what am I saying?! If you were chasing me I wouldn't be running very fast- or at all. I'd want you to catch me!

I'm starting to run. Better run hard. I am (hard)!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the
mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Jr, I can relate to that!!! Having rebuilt a few engines in my time of the two wheeled kind. :lol:

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And, did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. … Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled. ... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

And I thank you for using my name instead of yours, "Keith". :lol: :lol: :lol:

Your both sick puppies. :lol:

Good ones, jr.

Stevie Wonder walks into a bar... and then a chair... and then a table. :roll: :roll: :roll:

Hey, it says "Groaner Jokes".

You want another one?

What's the definition of endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :?

Just logged in for the first time in a while and look at who also logged in this last week - great to hear from you John (aka jbe). And Grumpy, yes speaking for myself - I am a sick puppy!!

Thanks Grey.....

Check out this funny French vid. Well, I think it's funny- and perhaps a bit twisted.

Le Serveur

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a bridge in San Antonio . As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin" in Texas- or South Carolina- means: has the means or abilities to take action)

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''

She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump..you little Yankee Bastard.. You’re holding up traffic”

Survivor - Texas Style
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally, back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers, which will read:

1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. " George Strait can’t sing"
7. " Elect Hillary In 2016"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
10. "Al Franken Is My Hero"
11. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
12. "It's Bush's Fault"
13. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion

And the last sticker is…

14. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, Inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word ' comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

'nuff said.

An average performance

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”


Computer Science 101

How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.


Caesar on the rocks, please

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

That's a groaner for sure, Manda! :lol: :lol:

:lol: