[Jbe]

Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[Coffjr]

John - that was sooooo bad and sooooo funny. :lol:

[Thinker]

That was a great groaner John. Keep them coming.

[Jbe]

This was forwarded to me and although I hope it turns out to be a joke, it's a bit scary.

Ordering a pizza in 2015 after Obamacare

[DangerousDi]

Here is one that was good. Maybe you won't all think it is funny at all, however, had our entire family laughing hysterically.

It was Christmas and the first one we back for at home in 5 years (not that we didn't come home prior to that). We had just moved back home again. I did Christmas Eve as I didn't want my MIL to have to do Christmas in her elderly age, although she is only 20 years older than I am. I just remember having my parents over for Christmas day and cooking the big meal, and they were deceased.

After dinner I asked some questions. I am good for having some fun games for Christmas and Easter. I asked what their favorite toy was when they were a child. I asked what their best Christmas. And so on and then I asked what their favorite cookies was.

I started it out with spritz being mine. Then each person said what their favorite cookie was and it went around in a circle everyone saying what their favorite cookies. Now mind you we have people that don't drink any more. Well my sil said "rum balls". We were all adults and all the children were grown up too. We usually don't talk on topics that are forbidden "like sex in the family group." Then her husband said what his favorite was, a "v cookies." So of course we had to ask what are V-Cookies and he said "vagina cookies". You should have seen the look on my MIL's face, and we all started to laugh so hard, it went down as the best Christmas ever.

Had the sil not said "rum balls" and her husband said "v-cookies".....it would have never been the same.

We have two family members that live in different areas, that weren't home. They were so jealous as they weren't there to enjoy also.

[Coffjr]

We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV, and games console shut down immediately.

It was raining hard and I couldn't play golf or go fishing either so I just talked to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

[Thinker]

DDi, how much trouble did your brother get into? Maybe he can contribute to my story!

[DangerousDi]

Thinker: The BIL didn't get in trouble, it was so much fun. He was seriously the cookies resembled the body part. He wasn't talking about the wife, an actual cookie she made. LOL

[Jbe]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon stopped to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have a donated one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.

I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again.."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

[Coffjr]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom….

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

C'mon...Laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy.

Sounds to me like she's been...sweeping around!!!

[Jbe]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell “Mississippi”

[Thinker]

Yes, both of them were GREAT groaners. Keep them coming.

[Jbe]

This is a fun little vid. The Paperless Future

[Coffjr]

This is so true....

[DangerousDi]

Coff: Those were good ones. The broom and the money one. The only thing I can remember is a quarter would buy a gallon of gas. My cousin took me with her to get a gallon of gas in her car. I was a little tyke then.

[Jbe]

Maybe already posted before... but still a groaner.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Thinker]

Love it. Not the technique I was taught at Red Cross. I like this one.

[Jbe]

It's "pick on Grumpy" time. On those miserable days in the south when it's just too hot to go outside to grill... introducing... Grillbillies!

[Jbe]

Redneck wedding cake...

[Jbe]

For those not totally familiar with the term...

[Coffjr]

North Dakota Wildlife shot by National Geographic


A cougar sleeping in a tree.


This was taken in Theodore Roosevelt National Park .


They look pretty harmless when they're asleep don't they?



YOU have nothing to worry about. . .they prey on younger men...!!

[Coffjr]

John - I just got my copy of the email with your newest pics. Those were the better ones.

[Jbe]

An oldie but still a goodie.

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."

[Coffjr]

Yes John, an oldie but goodie.

A simple comparison

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people poop in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

There, now, wasn't that simple?

[Coffjr]

All I want is a test drive!

[Thinker]

Yes John, an oldie but goodie.

A simple comparison

The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies", while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people poop in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.

There, now, wasn't that simple?

Recon I'm in deep sh-- on this one. Don't have much to leave to anyone.

Better not get in deep sh-- until you get someone lined up to change it!

[Jbe]

This is why you don't put Christmas lights on palm trees.

[Jbe]

Probably a repeat...

The other night, my wife says to me, "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So, I bent her over the table, slapped her on the ass a couple times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she'd be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face.

She was pissed!

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

[Jbe]

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,

"And how are we doing this morning?" Or "Are we ready for a bath?" or "Are we hungry?"

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,

"My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today."

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,

"Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"

The nurse fainted... I just smiled.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!

[Coffjr]

John - I can't wait until the palm tree in my front yard gets bigger. :lol: Funny, I must watch the same movies as the guy. Now I know how to get back at a nurse. :lol:

Please ponder the statement made below:

[Jbe]

True enuf on the pic, jr. They would be pointless... and a whole lot less fun! :mrgreen:

[Coffjr]

This might be a repeat but it is good anyway:

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa,

"I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said,

"I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Skeetz]

Heh,heh,heh, Grandma was a "good ol' girl!"

Got this question as part of a lengthy e-mail from a friend. Seems really apropo during this time of bumbling and stumbling from our "vacationer in chief."

Michelles Lament

mime-attachment44.jpg (47.03 KiB) Viewed 25529 times

[DangerousDi]

SKeetz; I just received and email from a person showing him flirting with the lady sitting next to him, over and over and the Pres wife had the same expression and wow, when he sat up and was at her side, she had the same look and there was no closeness in that marriage. Wonder if it is on the rocks.

[DangerousDi]

Skeetz: That was a good one....I thought maybe grandpa was so happy, turns out it was grandma.

[Coffjr]

Now being from California I can see this as being true. This has also made the round before:

The Coyote Principle California

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training on the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.


TEXAS
· The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

[Skeetz]

Jr.,
Roger that!

[Skeetz]

Jr.,
Roger that!

[DangerousDi]

Coff: That was a good one, I love TX. Have been there a couple times, and enjoy it so much. Have friends there. And once one of our family members.

[Jbe]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[Thinker]

Hey John, good to see you. Loved that joke...it was a joke, right? If not, where do I buy a card?

[Jbe]

Yeah, Thinker... a joke. I'm not that old. :lol:

[Coffjr]

It's been a while but I just got a joke that was too good not to post.

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, Find me the finest bitch,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach,
a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny,

decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks:

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f--- that -- I want to be Johnny's bitch."

[Jbe]

Good one, jr. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

23 ADULT TRUTHS******

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3
feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[Jbe]

I don't know if this is actually true... but it is kinda funny.

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, there was a more humane solution some thought. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!

[327retro]

Sure did miss this spot. I'll have to go over some of these again. Ya know I have to borrow some of this. To good to let go don't ya know.

Later guys & gals.

[Coffjr]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[Jbe]

The dangers of alcohol...

[Coffjr]

I hope I never get this old:

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO. (Pantyless)

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”


It's tough gettin' old.