Discuss and interact with contributors and members about Private Shots.
By Jbe
#97263
A Scottish Golf Story

Berty, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up Berty's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Berty said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, Berty got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. ''Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'
By Jbe
#97264
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.
By Jbe
#97346
What are you laughing at, Grumps? You were in the first row... and I was sitting right next to you. :? :lol: :lol: :lol:
By Jbe
#97347
May be a repeat...

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't
really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around
75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

Hey, RB, is that true? :mrgreen: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
By Coffjr
#97373
John - I heard you and Grumpy were in that senior center. I tried to get in too but they said I was too young. ;) :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
By redback
#97376
[quote="Jbe"]May be a repeat...

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't
really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around
75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

Hey, RB, is that true? :mrgreen: :lol: :lol:[/q




:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I do have some concerns as to the authenticity of this article.
1. There is no way that 3 slabs of beer would last 3 hrs down here. So the time frame spent on this research is doubtful.
2. $75 for 3 slabs, this research must be extremely old. You would be lucky to get 1 slab for that these days.
3. For the true blue Aussie man, where beer is involved, the only time he grabs his penis is to make room for more.
4. The more believable result of an Aussie study into why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft would be "to prevent your fingers getting wet while making room for more beer."

But, having said all that, if we said its true then its gospel.. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
By Jbe
#97422
jr, keep dreaming... though Grumpy shouldn't have been there since he is only....39? :roll:

RB, not being a beer drinker myself, I'll have to take your word on the subject. :? :lol:
User avatar
By redback
#97617
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, "I've always thought that I'm the Strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?

Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most Gorgeous of them all, but
sometimes I wonder!

Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure that I'm, the Sexiest man alive but I've
never had it confirmed!

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to ask the famed talking "mirror, mirror on the wall" to confirm for
them whether Shrek was the Strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most
Gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the Sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror
told me that I am the Strongest man in the world!"

Angelina Jolie lifted her Gorgeous face and said, "It's true. I am the most
Gorgeous woman in the world."

Brad Pitt sadly lifted his head and said....."But who the hell is Redback?"
User avatar
By Coffjr
#97633
Must be in a Chevy. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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By Jbe
#97674
Oooohhhh, RB, you are a legend in your own mind! :lol: :lol: :lol:

jr, I think that was from Grump's truck. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
By 327retro
#97809
Seems I'm getting picked on these past few weeks. Senior Center? :P
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By redback
#97902
MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing
blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than
human blood.
It tends to make the men c*cky and the women lay better.....
Just thought you'd like to know.
By Jbe
#97946
RB, you Aussies sure are up on your medical studies. :roll: :lol:

Grumps, what is the old saying? You only hurt the ones you love... :twisted: :lol:
User avatar
By 327retro
#98080
Jbe wrote:Oooohhhh, RB, you are a legend in your own mind! :lol: :lol: :lol:

jr, I think that was from Grump's truck. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:
John, you know I don't have any of that hi-tech stuff. But you & Jr. gave me an idea. I saw one of those digital read out thermometers at Home Depot. Got one and taped it to my drivers side mirror. Works great, and I did leave Sugar a note on the dash about the -4°. Just in case. :roll:
User avatar
By redback
#98096
A bloke just cant win, can he.........


The Outdoor BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to
do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
By Jbe
#98254
You are never too old to learn something new...
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia....and Australia....: Nice Tits. Get in the Truck.
User avatar
By Coffjr
#98310
John - I think that line is also used in California's central valley - from Modesto down past Fresno. :)
By Jbe
#98647
Sounds about right. :roll:
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User avatar
By 327retro
#98656
Jbe wrote:Uhhh, Grumps, I can count and it ain't first! :lol:
Sorry about that. Senior moment. (Wasn't first.) :roll: :P
User avatar
By 327retro
#98658
Post turtle. Man if that doesn't put things in proper perspective. Leave it to a country boy to bring things back to earth.
User avatar
By 327retro
#98659
Speaking of country boys.
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User avatar
By Coffjr
#98797
Not a joke but funny just the same.


A true and real helicopter pilot.

​"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is.
The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

After his helicopter was hit and he was forced to auto-rotate into trees, the Army pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was an Army helicopter pilot she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "I understand. Can I feel your boobs, then?"
User avatar
By 327retro
#98988
Sure Nuff he was John.

Ok ya'll, here is a redneck (of sort) Grammar lesson in the proper usage of a popular word not always understood and fround upon. ;) :roll: Check out the link.

" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Professor Grumpy, always enlightening the politically correct with proper politically incorrect facts. :shock: :lol: :P
User avatar
By Coffjr
#99076
Grumpy - thanks for the f##king English lesson. :lol: And along those lines.....

One dark night outside Mundare, a small town East of Edmonton, Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the local volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Then, from a distance, a lone siren was heard as one more fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Smoky Lake rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire from the inside with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Smoky Lake old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The Edmonton TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

" Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking trock."
User avatar
By 327retro
#99082
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jr, are you sure they were Ukrainian? Sounded like Sveedish to me. :roll: :)
By Jbe
#99542
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar!

He never did any of that!”
User avatar
By redback
#99655
Guns vs Women

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22...

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are
on-the-road...

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you
try it out a few times...

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo...

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...

#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"...

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...

..AND... the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...

YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!
User avatar
By redback
#99656
Definitions of Heaven and Hell.

Heaven; the police are British, the chefs are French, the mechanics are
German, your lover is Italian and it's all organized by the
Swiss.

Hell; the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are
French, your lover is Swiss and it's all organized by the
Italians.
By Jbe
#99697
:lol: :lol: :o :roll:
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By 327retro
#100055
Ok Guys & Gals, it's Valentin's Day again and time for some groaners.
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User avatar
By redback
#100173
Ladies of VW, it has been bought to my attention that your discussions about Redback have been becoming crude and and unladylike.
In future please use the approved politically correct terms when discussing the stud from down under to avoid any offence or embarrassment. Thank you.

He is not: A sex machine
He is: Romantically automated

You do not: Undress him with your eyes
You have a: Introspective pornographic moment

He does not have a: Horny arse
He has achieved: Buttocks perfection

You do not: Kiss him
You become: Facially conjoined

He does not have a: Hot body
He is: Physically combustible


And the men of VW, Please note that your opinions are better kept to yourself but if you must talk about Redback please would you also use these approved politically correct terms.

He is not: Quiet
He is a: Conversational minimalist

He does not have a: Beer gut
He develops a: Liquid grain storage facility

He is not: Stupid
He suffers from: Minimal cranial development

He does not: Get lost all the time
He discovers: Alternative destinations

He does not: Fart and belch
He is: Gastronomically expressive

He is not a: Cradle robber
He prefers: Generationally differential relationships

He does not: Fall down drunk
He becomes: Accidentally horizontal

He does not: Act like a total ass
He develops a: Case of rectal-cranial inversion

He is not: Short
He is: Anatomically compact

He does not: Constantly talk about cars
He has a: Vehicular addiction

Thank you for your co-opporation and understanding.
User avatar
By Coffjr
#100192
What is confidence?


JR, a Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," JR replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

JR smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn it’s an hour fast."

And that, my friends.......is Confidence :D
User avatar
By 327retro
#100248
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Don't think we'll get away with using that line Jr. Not even at the local Do-Drop In. :lol:
User avatar
By Coffjr
#100298
Grumpy - that was last night's date. Of course, she was a blonde. :lol: :lol: :lol: :o No offense to Sugar. :oops:

But you do know how those left coast blondes can be ;)
User avatar
By Thinker
#100363
Five years old Justin is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to answer, his mom tells Justin to ask his father at dinner tonight, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Justin didn’t forget. The following hours he asked his father the same question. His father, always ready and quick with the answers, says, "Why Justin, those are balloons. When your Mom dies, we can blow them up, and she’ll float to heaven." Justin thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few days later, Justin’s dad comes home from work three hours early. Justin runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Dad! Dad! Mom is dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mom is dying?"

"Uncle Glenn is blowing up Mom’s balloons, and she’s screaming, "Oh God, I’m coming!"
User avatar
By Coffjr
#100678
SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about
their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they
concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't
interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and
let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and,
unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels
showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They
baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now
they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
User avatar
By Coffjr
#100761
Is yours broken too - mine is......... :lol:
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User avatar
By 327retro
#100765
Jr. good squirrel joke, it reminded me of an old Ray Stevens song.

" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Later :)
User avatar
By Thinker
#100828
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea."
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