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User avatar
By 327retro
#100847
Sugar got a big kick out of that Thinker.

Now here is a thought whose time may have come. :roll: ;) :)
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User avatar
By Coffjr
#100866
JR was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money so she would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.”

“Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce right away”.
User avatar
By Thinker
#101185
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the heck was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”
User avatar
By redback
#101381
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30

SO EACH MAN PAID £10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25

SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3
MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF
£27, ADD THE £2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.


WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?
User avatar
By redback
#101382
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Castle Hill, Sydney and sees a card
advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn
more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy
behind the desk.


The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you get the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off
the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
Gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000,
but you're going to have to go to Kempsey, in NSW. That's about 620 miles
from here.'

'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the queue is!'
User avatar
By redback
#101663
Be Careful!!!
Warming:
If youse gets a link called "Free Porn" don t opin it ?!!"#$%
It is a birus wich deactivats yur Spellcheck and garblis up yur riting.
I alsu receibed its, but lukily I don't does porn so I didnt opin its.
Warn al1 yor vriends!!..
User avatar
By redback
#101664
Rural Australian Computer Terminology

A little bit of Aussie culcha.....
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
User avatar
By 327retro
#101697
Rural Computer terminology. You sure your not from around these here parts? :lol: I did catch that on line, but still makes me think we have some good ol' boys down your way. Shall we say the extreme South? ;) :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
By redback
#101761
327retro wrote:Rural Computer terminology. You sure your not from around these here parts? :lol: I did catch that on line, but still makes me think we have some good ol' boys down your way. Shall we say the extreme South? ;) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Ya nevr know mate, praps I was from round your parts in a past life :lol: :lol: :lol:

Yeah, ya cant get much more south without fallin off the edge of the planet :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
By redback
#102683
SPIN, THE AUSTRALIAN WAY

No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.

Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889.

Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail.


On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times.

Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad...

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


NOW That's how it's done, Folks!

That's real POLITICAL SPIN.
User avatar
By redback
#102688
A HEARTWARMING STORY OF THE ADVANCES OF WOMEN
IN ACHIEVING EQUALITY THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several
yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous, can
you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal
of roles?"

'Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
User avatar
By redback
#103707
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The Brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the Heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the Stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the Rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the Rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the Brain had a terrible headache, the Stomach was bloated, and the Blood was toxic.
Eventually All the other Body Organs gave in. They all agreed that the Rectum should be the Boss.
The moral of the story..?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an Asshole.
User avatar
By redback
#103849
Subject: How to make a woman happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a s*xologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
*


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
User avatar
By redback
#104043
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all
conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to
meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 70, a man is like Australia, ruled by
nuts....
User avatar
By 327retro
#104539
redback wrote:THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all
conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to
meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a
thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 70, a man is like Australia, ruled by
nuts....
Lest I get you in trouble Mate I will say nothing more then spot on. And you know where of I speak.
User avatar
By 327retro
#104540
redback wrote:Subject: How to make a woman happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a s*xologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
*


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Damn RB I'm in deep dodo I never knew some of these rules. Glad Sugar didn't either. :lol: :roll:
User avatar
By redback
#104543
327retro wrote:
redback wrote:Subject: How to make a woman happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a s*xologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
*


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
Damn RB I'm in deep dodo I never knew some of these rules. Glad Sugar didn't either. :lol: :roll:
as long as she knows the last 2, mate.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
By 327retro
#106827
Groaner?
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