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SIMPLE TRUTH 1:


Lovers help each other undress
before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,
"Congrats".

But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good
job".

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a
Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

All I can say is. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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nothing has changed

one for he ladies

wifes birthday cake
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KAMASUTRA TEACHINGS:

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the woman herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Petticoat, panties, pussy...No wonder men suffer from high BP!

3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're screwed.

4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got screwed to achieve it.

5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
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ok, I just have to participate.....

A man was sunbathing in the buff at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself".

Im stil in 1st and 2nd phase

A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8
buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant.....The fees for cars ($1.40),for buses (about $7). Then, one
day,
after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work,he just didn't show up;
so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them
another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council
that the attendant was a city employee.The city council responded that the
lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his
villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd
apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had
simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the
parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7
days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ......and no one
even knows his name.

RB, you ain't right! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

NN, girl your a lovable sick puppy too. Don't be shy to stop by. ♥ ♥ ♥

I'm with you Grumpy - NN, don't be shy.

The Painter
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again

Even toons lied.

All isn't lost though. Lessons were learned?

THE HORSE & CHICKEN
The horse and the chicken were friends.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
Searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
To town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a
Length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
Chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold
Of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
Powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
And the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
Too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing
And he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betchya, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

And yes, I did sell my Harley last year....... :lol:

Being Parked on a Back Road is No Time for Secrets:

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.

After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

So true.

This one sounds familiar.....

YO VERN!

Vern works hard at the phone company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her - she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says.. "Hi Vern - Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real b*tch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING SUNDAY!

I peak in every once in a while but saw this joke and thought of RedBack...and just had to post.

On her first day of rounds at an Aussie hospital, a visiting American nurse meets an old man packing up. "I'm going home to die," he says.
She quickly checks his chart. "Not according to your chart."
"I'm going home to die," he insists.
"Who told you that?"
"My doctor."
"Well, it's not true. You are not going home to die!"
"Yes, I am! I was supposed to go home yester-die, but instead I'm going home to-die!"

Grumpy and Thumper are in a bar sipping beer when a man orders ten shots of booze and shouts, "I got $500 that says no one here can drink all of these in one minute."
Thumper says, My buddy will take the bet!" and pushes Grumps in front of the shots. Grumpy stares at all that liquor, then runs out the door. The man laughs. "I knew you lightweights couldn't do it."
Five minutes later Grumpmeister returns and slams all ten shots in 50 seconds. He grabs the money and sits back behind his beer.
"Where'd you go? asks Thumper.
"I wasn't sure I could drink ten shots in a minute so I went to the bar next door and tried it first."

Jbe wrote:I peak in every once in a while but saw this joke and thought of RedBack...and just had to post.

On her first day of rounds at an Aussie hospital, a visiting American nurse meets an old man packing up. "I'm going home to die," he says.
She quickly checks his chart. "Not according to your chart."
"I'm going home to die," he insists.
"Who told you that?"
"My doctor."
"Well, it's not true. You are not going home to die!"
"Yes, I am! I was supposed to go home yester-die, but instead I'm going home to-die!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
ww all have to die one-die....

Global Sex - Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ........

This could happen to anyone .

Climbing into bed last night ........
As I was getting in bed, she said, "You're drunk".
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
Oops

AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR

Sugar: "There is trouble with the truck. It has water in the carburetor."

Grumpy: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

Sugar: "I tell you the truck has water in the carburetor."

Grumpy: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the truck?

Sugar: "In the pond."

Sorry Grumpy/Sugar - just had to do it. :lol:

STATISTICS

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.. :o

HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had an argument. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you." :shock:

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Coffjr wrote:WATER IN THE CARBURETOR

Sugar: "There is trouble with the truck. It has water in the carburetor."

Grumpy: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

Sugar: "I tell you the truck has water in the carburetor."

Grumpy: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the truck?

Sugar: "In the pond."

Sorry Grumpy/Sugar - just had to do it. :lol:

Sugar laughed her ass off with this one Jr.. Then gave me that little pouty look and walked away. Yeah I can see her doing something like that.

Sometimes it's all about the angle. Nuff said.

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the
transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the
businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much
finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and
every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the
bottom of the hill..
There were four men ....one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and the fourth man was sitting in his
car at the bottom of the hill.
What were the nationalities of the four men?

hmmmmmm

* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish

Now wait for it ..
Ya gonna love this .............................. ......................

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the
light to turn green!

redback wrote:During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

As you may recall Sugar is a Strawberry Blond, key on Blond. Poor darling had to read Edwards comment almost twice. Laughed her ass off turned and walked out of the room stating "ya'll are sick puppies". Good one RB. :lol:

327retro wrote:

redback wrote:During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

As you may recall Sugar is a Strawberry Blond, key on Blond. Poor darling had to read Edwards comment almost twice. Laughed her ass off turned and walked out of the room stating "ya'll are sick puppies". Good one RB. :lol:

Sugar may well be right Grumps, BUT she married you. So which one needs psychiatric assessment???? :lol: :lol: :lol:

I resemble that remark! Wait that didn't come out right. Hmmm, I may have to ponder that RB. :roll:

taken from "ER Stories"



Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and heard some funny things.
Anyway this lady was in recovery just coming out of the anaesthetic. The team were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her incredible accent:
‘That’s the best bit of cock I have had in years!’
The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn’t remember it.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

Sorry to hear that, RB. :?

Not a joke but rather a line I heard in the movie "Joyful Noise" starring Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah.

One character says to another, "You are so 'country' that you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws."

Some more groaners:

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I like to spend every day as if it's my last. I'm staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? His ass.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed. I don't think it's fair to make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey...but then I turned myself around.

:roll: :roll: :roll:

Jbe wrote:Some more groaners:

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I like to spend every day as if it's my last. I'm staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? His ass.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed. I don't think it's fair to make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey...but then I turned myself around.

:roll: :roll: :roll:

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :lol:

The Party

A couple were invited to a swanky New Year’s Eve costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished.... Naturally, (since he was her husband)..

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..... :o

Hey Redback, the title of this thread IS "Groaner Jokes". :lol: :lol: :lol:

jr, that one made me laugh out loud. Good one!!