[Thinker]

Yea, I cannot find fault with those guys! he-he But just imagine being the engineer that worked on that bra. Remember that you need to test the bra. All good scientific tests require a control group. Double the fun!

[redback]

Yea, I cannot find fault with those guys! he-he But just imagine being the engineer that worked on that bra. Remember that you need to test the bra. All good scientific tests require a control group. Double the fun!

Mate, I dont care how much fun he had inventing that bra. Nature made boobs to jiggle and nipples to stick out in cold weather, Trying to undo natures good work is just wrong.

[redback]

My next life..

[redback]

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

[Jbe]

Went to the local office to check on car insurance, thinking it would be good time to change if the price is right.

I happened to walk into Progressive and saw Flo standing there. She said “Hi’, and I said "Hi" back. She then said, I am willing to work a deal with you today..

I said, there is nothing you can do to influence me to switch insurance.

I now have FULL COVERAGE ON my Truck and car, 2 snowmobiles, 2 4 wheeler's, my boat, Cabin, Home, both storage sheds, pool, Motor Home, Ice Shack and Golf Cart and clubs, my kids bikes….

[Thinker]

I figured you would only have FULL coverage when Flo had NO coverage!

[Jbe]

Isn't that how it works, Thinker? :lol: :mrgreen:

[Coffjr]

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very
short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters
the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind
the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin
bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the
unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she
looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an
elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly
man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

[redback]

They dont make zippers like they used to..

[redback]

And dont you blokes laugh at the above pic. Its only that small cause I just got out of the dam and the water was cold.

[Coffjr]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

[Jbe]

jr... raisin bread :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Redback... zipper... :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: Dream on!

jr... being a senior does have it's advantages. Good one. :lol: :lol:

[Thinker]

Daughters vibrator.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[redback]

Darts anyone?

[FastFive]

That's an archery target, not a dartboard.

<--- This guy? Pedant!!

[redback]

[quote="FastFive"]That's an archery target, not a dartboard.

<--- This guy? Pedant!![/quote


Mate, if that target was facin me I wouldn't give a damn whether I had a dart or a arrow, I be goin for the bulls eye.

[FastFive]

8 points could be fun too.

[Jbe]

Priceless. :roll:

[redback]

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets!!"How in gods name did that happen says Paddy ??"His wife replies.Remember the night i was dry and we had no vaseline so i used 3 in 1 oil??!"Holy Jaysus says Paddy,i'm fucking glad we didn't use WD40!:)

[redback]

Ever wonder why kangaroos dont have tits?

[redback]

THE HUSBAND STORE:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2- These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love s*x.
The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floorshave never been visited.

[rockclimber]

So true, oh so true....

[Jbe]

The Husband Store... always a classic and always good for a chuckle.

[redback]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
b*obs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach,
and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

[redback]

blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl
Make sure your sound is on......

https://vid.me/o6x9" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Coffjr]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Jbe]

Redback, I know we can always count on you for some good ones. I'd seen the vid before but not with the sound effects. Had me cracking up.

jr, was that taken from personal experience? Or perhaps you changed the names from Grumpy and Sugar? :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

The following name was changed to protect the - well, I'm not really innocent :lol: .

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME ! PICK ME !'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Jbe]

:roll: :roll: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

This one is for the Florida peeps... and Redback. :lol: :lol:

A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE....

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ......


"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[Coffjr]

What more can I say?

[rockclimber]

Here's a laugh or three....

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet

- Home is where you hang your @
- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C: is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- In Gates we trust.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.

Have a nice night and don't forget to vote... early and often!

[redback]

Definitions - - male vs female
EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing hockey without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one .

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed ..Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Jbe]

That's pretty much it, Redback. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Redback showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest Father Rockclimber almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Redback, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Red said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGrumpy had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGrumpy's hat".

Father Rock said, "Well, RB, I notice that ya didn't steal McGrump's hat. What changed your mind? RedBack replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGrumpster's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Red a big smile & said;" After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"

Redback slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery ' I remembered where I left me hat."

[Jbe]

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...

Famous Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15-foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Red River Tom, the Cowboy from Arizona, remained silent - Slowly stirring the campfire coals with his dick …

[Jbe]

:lol: :lol:

[327retro]

McGrumps? Met my cousin thrice removed did ya. :lol: :lol: :lol: BTW that bastard did steal my hat.

John; while security is rounding up # 1, 2, 3 & 5 little pigs go to the meat section, find the largest freshest dated package of Bacon write the # 4 on that package with a sharpie and call the butcher over to ask what does the # 4 on that package mean. :roll: :twisted: :twisted:

G-Day

[redback]

Jb, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I'll pay that one.
here's a bit of info about me
I was once an Alter boy, believe it or not, way back when I was a wipper snapper. True.
And here's the hat in question. As you can see, me an this hat have been together a loooong time and yeah I am pretty attached to it so I can sorta relate to that joke.
As for the adultery, I'm gonna pretend Im a Yank and plead the 5th.

[redback]

McGrumps? Met my cousin thrice removed did ya. :lol: :lol: :lol: BTW that bastard did steal my hat.

John; while security is rounding up # 1, 2, 3 & 5 little pigs go to the meat section, find the largest freshest dated package of Bacon write the # 4 on that package with a sharpie and call the butcher over to ask what does the # 4 on that package mean. :roll: :twisted: :twisted:

G-Day

Grumps, your just plain evil :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

I wonder who lives here???

[Jbe]

Red, that couldn't be more perfect! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

:roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Redback goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say '99'.

Red obeys and says"99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say "99".

Again, RB says '99'.

The doctor says, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say '99'.

Redback begins,
One....
two…
three…

:mrgreen: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

Me evil RB? I'm just a harmless loveable sick puppy. Hey, what do you mean by Grumpy old man? I resemble that remark. Did I spell that right?

That RB is a quick thinker on his feet. Umm, maybe not on his feet but I ain't going there. Wouldn't mind the office address of that lovely lady Dr.. G-Day ya sick puppies.

[redback]

When a woman wears a leather dress...

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat
gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck.

[redback]

Grumpy uploaded a photo of a cute German Sheppard pup, and it's been shared
thousands of times.
The ad reads:
This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a
surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now
looking to find her a new home. Her name is Sugar, she is 39 years old, a
beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good
house.

[redback]

Three old mates die in a car crash. Redback, Grumpy and Jb. When they enter heaven they are given their wings and warned that if they ever have any impure thoughts their wings will fall off.
A hot looking MILF glides by wearing a see through gown. Redbacks wings fall off.
She is followed by a teen in hot pants. Grumpies wings fall off.
Grumpy bends over to pick up his wings and Jb's wings fall off.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

Grumpy and Jb are in heaven. Jb see's Grumpy float past a **** with a keg of beer and a drop dead gorgeous blonde. Jb storms off to St Peter wanting t know what the go is.
"Punishment" says St Peter.
"punishment" yells Jb, "How is that punishment?"
St Peter smiles and says "The keg has a hole in it and the blonde hasn't".


Gday mates...... :lol: :lol: :lol: