[Coffjr]

No matter which side you are on:

[Coffjr]

The History of the Middle Finger:

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. :lol:

[327retro]

Damn, I never knew. We'll have to make you our in-house historian Jr.. :lol:

[redback]

good one Jr.

but Im curious, was that you I saw under the yew with a ewe?

[redback]

I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately...... The most common one seems to be ......"You said you'd be home from the pub three bloody hours ago!":)

[redback]

Nursing Home Plan
Part G - Nursing Home Plan
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself
and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are
allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to
rison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a
library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need
glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
s*x change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as
they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And
you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now,
because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is
this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior
financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!

[Coffjr]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

[Coffjr]

No comment....but :lol:

[327retro]

What a great idea Jr.. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

I had a good laugh when I saw it and hoped you'd like it Grumpy.

[327retro]

Yep there are times.

[327retro]

No comment.

[Coffjr]

Urologist

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female
doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.The old guy obeys and says,
"99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I
repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with
your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand,
and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of
the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One...
two…
three…"
:twisted: :lol: :lol: :lol:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop
laughing!

[327retro]

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,
but then she is speechless after answering only one question.
l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:


Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.In one year, it would be approximately
$5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane? :roll:
 
 

[redback]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[Jbe]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

Redneck Apartment Complex - nice place for the entire family.... :lol:

[Jbe]

I wonder which one is Grumpy's?! :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

John - you are going to get into trouble over that one. But I don't see any broken down old Chevy truck in the yard. :o

[Jbe]

jr, I think his is the top one... ya know, the penthouse. Nuthin' but the best for the Grumpmeister. :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

A totally politically incorrect joke...

The Teacher asked young Rockclimber: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Rock addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Rock," she said. "Now FastFive, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."

[Coffjr]

Eight Words with Two meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one ..

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[redback]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

I wonder which one is Grumpy's?! :lol: :lol:

John - you are going to get into trouble over that one. But I don't see any broken down old Chevy truck in the yard. :o

John - you are going to get into trouble over that one. But I don't see any broken down old Chevy truck in the yard. :o

Of course I live in the penthouse John, I own the complex. The big one on the bottom is the Bar Restaurant Rental office. It's got a mirrored stage with a brass pole in the back. Only rent to college girls 21 & over. The restaurant serves sausage eggs grits collard greens black-eyed peas and other Southern delights all day. BTW, that pond in the front keeps our catfish fresh for the dinner menu. Got a motorized zip line out the back of my penthouse to my tree stand for when we run low on venison. That column you see my penthouse on, houses my privet elevator. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jr., that container to the right I rent to Betty May, a 25 year old engineering major. She works on Fords almost 24-7 still can't figure out how to keep them running so she's now working on inexpensive replacement parts. That girl has a future. BTW, Betty May's rent is paid mostly by the fords I sell to the scrap yards. I do let her keep some of the classics out back under tarps of course. :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: Got some affordable property around here when ya'll get tired of over regulation out your way.

So there you have it, my secrets out. Eat your heart out Trump Towers. Make way for Grumpy Gardens. The best miniature golf shooting ranges, regular shooting ranges, live entertainment, down home Southern cooking and elegant living quarters. Plenty of boat ramps near by for your enjoyment plus. Sorry, at present all our Grumpy Gardens are booked for the next 10 years, other than "some" Spring, Summer and winter recesses are concerned. As soon as Grumpy Gardens & 327retro Enterprises gains more property we will inform those on the first come first serve waiting list.

Thank your for visiting our original web site now being updated. Our apologies for any inconvenience. Jr. & John let the cat out of the bag before I was ready to go national. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

G'Day

[Jbe]

Grumpy, that was absolutely hilarious! :lol: :lol: Very imaginative! What?? It's for real?? :o So THAT'S why you and Sugar moved. Ya needed more space for Grumpy Gardens.

I have to say that it took you long enough to comment back. Were ya taking a lot of time polishing that pole? :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

Very good Grumpy - :lol: :lol:

The problem I have is with Betty May - really, an engineering major?? Fords don't need an engineering major to fix them since all engineers want to do is redesign things. :roll: :roll: And she must be working on some old Fords - but not the ones under the tarp - Mustang II or a Falcon. Also from what I hear, she is trying to sell some Chevy parts too (something to do with a corvair) at the scrap yard but she has been told they are useless and unusable. :o :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Any regulations on that affordable property? I'd love to have a nice cement pond in the back to go with my critters. And it would be clothing optional of course. :lol: I'll take your overflow for those Spring, Summer and Winter breaks.

[redback]

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.
I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.
You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...

[redback]

well one Grump, just cracked a rib on that. :l ol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

Grumpy, that was absolutely hilarious! :lol: :lol: Very imaginative! What?? It's for real?? :o So THAT'S why you and Sugar moved. Ya needed more space for Grumpy Gardens.

I have to say that it took you long enough to comment back. Were ya taking a lot of time polishing that pole? :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:

Had to get that privet elevator done before the holidays thus the delay John. No comment on the pole getting polishing nosy. :lol:

[redback]

BELL RINGER

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided
to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps,
when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure,
drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'..
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
WAIT FOR IT!!!

' .................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this
duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'

(. . . Wait for it ...)

'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'



you asked for groaner jokes , you got em..

[redback]

The judge asked the defendant what he was charged with.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply.
"That not illegal! How early were you shopping?"
"Before the store was open."

[Jbe]

Had to get that privet elevator done before the holidays thus the delay John. No comment on the pole getting polishing nosy. :lol:

Awwww...c'mon, Grumps... :lol: :lol: :lol: Never known you to be the bashful type.

[Jbe]

Yeah... RB... that could be a problem. :lol:

[Coffjr]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be. :lol:

[Coffjr]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas! :o :lol:

[Thumper]

This little girl was sitting on the mall Santa's lap when he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas, Susie?"
She replied, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe."
Puzzled, Santa asked, "Don't you mean a Barbie and a Ken?"
Determined, the girl demanded, "No. I mean a Barbie and a GI Joe."
"Ok," Santa replied," I just thought that Barbie came with Ken."
"Nope," the little girl came back, "Barbie fakes it with Ken. Barbie cums with GI Joe!"

[Thumper]

A friend of mine was a professional, and very, very good at his job. Until he made one mistake.
He had sex with a client.

Because of that mistake, he was barred from his profession, and left with no source of income.
Because of that one mistake, his wife left him, and threw him out of the house.
Because of that one mistake, and its professional implications, he faced criminal charges.

Because of that one mistake, having sex with a client, his whole life was turned upside down and ruined.
Its a real shame. And to boot, he was a really, really good mortician! :twisted:

[Jbe]

Thumps... as to your first one... :lol: :lol: :lol:

As to the second one... :roll: :roll: :roll: Grooooaaaannn. And that, folks, is why we call them "Groaner Jokes".

[redback]

FLU SEASON

To avoid it...
E at right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

[Coffjr]

Golf Cart Accident


Many years ago during my married days, just prior to my divorce, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Trinity, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's jr, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Jr, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now" Trinity insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Trinity. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Trinity said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess." :roll: :lol:

[Jbe]

jr, when I got to the punch line I just about fell out of my chair!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[Jbe]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."*

[Thinker]

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him, and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

[Coffjr]

John - I'd have given that student and A+ for that last reason.... :lol:

And Thinker - oh no, that was real bad...... :roll:

[rockclimber]

Always good for a laugh guys!

[Jbe]

Thinker, that was a grooooaaaaner for sure! :lol:

jr, that was a great answer, wasn't it?!

[Jbe]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

[Coffjr]

John...... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[327retro]

FLU SEASON

To avoid it...
E at right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

Can't forget the benefits of cereal grain and water content in beer, (think that's considered roughage) not to mention the rapid recycling benefits to the environment. :roll: :lol: