[CountessFuntime]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there: a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !!!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go ??".

Edna: "No, no, no... course not... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".

[Jbe]

Coming from you, Mr. Grumpy, that is high praise indeed. :lol:

[DangerousDi]

Countessfun: that was a great one.

[Jbe]

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Coffjr]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied. - -

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered. - - "Is that one word or two?"

[Jbe]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

[DangerousDi]

JBE: Yes, be careful what one says is the best policy.

[Thinker]

Little old ladies always know what to do. Gotta love them.

[CountessFuntime]

Coincidence? Just wondering!

Alabama beat Arkansas
and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee
and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Auburn
and they fired the coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...

Damn, I wish the White House had a team.

[DangerousDi]

Countusfun: Wow isn't that the truth. Let the ball run in the White House.

Here is something you can do to show our vote counts: maybe we will keep the 2nd Amendment.
http://nagr.org/2013/un-gun-ban-june.aspx?pid=1b" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; short and simple.

[CountessFuntime]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[DangerousDi]

Countusfun: Remind me of a story my son told me yesterday. This lady came in the unit. Her middle didn't match, she needed identification and when asked what was her real middle name, she said she didn't know. Oh my how scary to hire a person that doesn't know their own middle name. I wonder if it was something terrible? Like my grandmother did my dad's middle name Lorene. He hated it, so maybe that was the lady's problem and name she didn't want to mention. Maybe she wasn't lie, she hated it so bad she forgot. LOL

Okay not sure I got the joke, VD as in Vet Doctor? I know my lights are on and nobody is home.

[Thinker]

No, VD as in Venereal Disease. Johnson as in penis.

[Thinker]

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by and well, flashed them. The first woman had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one could not reach that far ...

[Jbe]

Viscount, that was a really good one. Had me laughing for sure. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[DangerousDi]

Thinker: I missed that one on the VD/Johnson.

Okay now your joke, third one couldn't reach? Lost again. Old Ladies, I can't put two and two together, ghee. Guess that is why I get jokes wrong.

[DT10]

Thinker: I missed that one on the VD/Johnson.

Okay now your joke, third one couldn't reach? Lost again. Old Ladies, I can't put two and two together, ghee. Guess that is why I get jokes wrong.

let me apologize first,

no wonder you came up with the name "Dangerous" :shock:

:lol:

[Thinker]

DDi, Re: the old ladies joke. Think of what a flasher will be showing to the ladies. I know this is hard but try. The 3rd lady is too far away for a stroke. If he cums closer to her, he will. :lol:

[DangerousDi]

Tee Hee Thinker: I thought there was more of it to come. LOL :lol:

[Thinker]

Well the old ladies can tell him to cum over for another stroke if that's what they want. I am very accomodating...eerr, I mean, "he is."

[DangerousDi]

Retro: Come and I use CUM on it some times when I write comments.
Great proic

[DangerousDi]

Retro: that is okay, I make a pun out of Come/Cum.

[CountessFuntime]

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why?

She smells like a new truck.

[DangerousDi]

Countessfun: Nope, I have learned they are dreaming about what you look like under it. Friends do it, guys that check you out do it, and the list goes on.

[Coffjr]

DD You do realize these are jokes and are not supposed to be real thoughts or actions? Of course men don't think about trucks - except maybe rednecks. :lol:

[DangerousDi]

CoffJR: I know they are jokes, ghee sorry.

[Thinker]

Maybe DDi should dress up in leather. While you think a your new truck seats, she can pull out her whip!!! Every bad boy's dream!

[DangerousDi]

Thinker: my dh likes leather or even pleather (if you don't knowm it is fake looking leather). And I do have a black whip.....and I know how to use it.

[Jbe]

Grumpmeister, this one is for you.

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. :roll: :roll: :roll: :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

John - I know what you are saying. I flunked mind reading 101. :lol:

[Jbe]

jr, I didn't do too good either. :? :?

[Coffjr]

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Maxine, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Henry, do we still have intercourse?"

And there was a hush...You could hear a pin drop.

He answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Maxine, I told you a hundred times... What we have is...



Blue Cross!

[Jbe]

Classic, jr! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[CountessFuntime]

Became confused when hearing the word "SERVICE" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue SERVICE

US Postal SERVICE

Telephone SERVICE

Cable TV SERVICE

Civil SERVICE

Federal, State, City and public SERVICE

Customer SERVICE

This is NOT what I thought SERVICE meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to SERVICE his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing?

[Coffjr]

PHRASE DEFINITION CONTEST

There's an annual contest at the Griffiths University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a Contemporary term.

The term: 'political correctness'

The winning student wrote:

'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'

[DangerousDi]

Countessfun: That was a great one....

[CountessFuntime]

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your MOTHER is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

[Thinker]

I agree. These are great. I had to save the "SERVICE" joke for posting on FB.

[DangerousDi]

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

[Thinker]

Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come?"

[CountessFuntime]

Why should Viscount have all the fun?

One evening a man comes into the cocktail lounge and approaches me sitting by myself at a table. The man says to me. "May I buy you a cocktail?" I reply back to him. "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." The man then says, "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell up? Of which I reply back. "No, they don't swell up, the alcohol makes my legs spread."

Jaybird

[Coffjr]

Jaybird - here is a drink for you and it doesn't contain any alcohol (wink, wink), trust me. :lol:

[DangerousDi]

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

[CountessFuntime]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, and I'm still in my pj's and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home with you for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."

[DangerousDi]

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

[Thinker]

^^^^^ It looked like a bright idea when the bulb was about to be inserted.

[DangerousDi]

Thinker: Your analogy are so great. You rock man.

[DangerousDi]

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

[DangerousDi]

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

[CountessFuntime]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.