Discuss and interact with contributors and members about Private Shots.
User avatar
By Coffjr
#56883
The wisdom of old

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." Can you please help me??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer"! :lol:
User avatar
By FastFive
#56973
Awkward Photos That Will Haunt These People for Life

A collection of pics that leave you wondering "WTF were they thinking?"

My three sons!
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Lady & the Tramp... banana style!
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Sunset... and a catfish?
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All sorts of wrong... just wrong! (His pants... are down around his ankles!?!)
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This would be creepy even without the double exposure/ghost faces.
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Just... what?
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Impressive cosplay... except the daughter look like she's about to moan resignedly "kill me now!"
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There's just NO excuse for this one. NO. EXCUSE. AT. ALL.
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Jean Claude Van Dam has nothing to worry about.
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Affection for mom...
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Again... no. Just, no.
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Who thought the two psycho-dogs in the pics would be a good idea? Seriously... who??
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Again with the double exposure... again... both creepy!
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I'm sure this seemed funny at the time. :roll:
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Horribly dated pics can be plain old embarrassing"... but wait...
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Again... someone thought it would be funny. :|
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There are layers of weird going on here.
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So glad my parents never pulled shit like this with me when I was a baby!
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Hello? 1989 calling! (Not that anyone looked especially cool in 1989... but this family takes it to another level.)
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By DangerousDi
#57025
I wonder how many people went to the wedding with dad getting married in a speedo?
User avatar
By mandadees
#57180
Splinters in her crotch...........

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obamacare...they turned you down."


:lol: :lol: :lol:


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User avatar
By Thinker
#57201
In the spirit of women and golf:

A woman at a golf course begins yelling, "I've been stung by a bee!"
Her golf instructor asks her where she had been stung.
"Between the first and second hole," she replies.
The golf instructor tells her, "Oh, your stance is too wide."
User avatar
By mandadees
#57204
Thinker wrote:In the spirit of women and golf:

A woman at a golf course begins yelling, "I've been stung by a bee!"
Her golf instructor asks her where she had been stung.
"Between the first and second hole," she replies.
The golf instructor tells her, "Oh, your stance is too wide."

Ooouucchhhh!!!!

:)

Thank you Jr! :)
User avatar
By FastFive
#57205
That's just wrong... :|
User avatar
By mandadees
#57206
FastFive wrote:That's just wrong... :|
I puckered when I read it! :)
User avatar
By mandadees
#57235
Thinker wrote:But much more fun when you get permission to kiss it to make it all better! :lol:
Mmmm, Kissing and making things better, that sounds soo hot! :oops:
User avatar
By Thinker
#57288
mandadees wrote:
Thinker wrote:But much more fun when you get permission to kiss it to make it all better! :lol:
Mmmm, Kissing and making things better, that sounds soo hot! :oops:
You most definitely will get hot. Will need moisture to counter the heat. Good thing kissing and nibbling usually results in both! ;)
User avatar
By redback
#57378
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he
would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes.
The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a
teacher. Which one should I send up?"
With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, "I'm
curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the
switchboard operator?"
The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast
as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm
finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until
I get it right."
User avatar
By redback
#57380
To Be 8 Again

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my wife, Vicky
who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far
off I asked what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight
again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. I then took her to a McDonald's and
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what
was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! Idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.
User avatar
By redback
#57381
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of
a s*x shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and
grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, 'Dddoo youu
hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, 'Yes we do
have d*ldos. Actually we carry many different models. The old woman then
asks, 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand
aabbout twoo inchess ththiick...aaand rruns onnn bbaatteriess? The clerk
responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks, "Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ffff*cking tthhing offffff?
User avatar
By redback
#57382
DRINIKING IN GALWAY

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when
you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get
laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this
actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."
User avatar
By FastFive
#57396
redback wrote:The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.
Amen to that! :roll:
User avatar
By 327retro
#57434
mandadees wrote:Splinters in her crotch...........

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obamacare...they turned you down."


:lol: :lol: :lol:


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I'm still snickering Manda. Love you girl. I have to pass this one around. ♥ ♥ ♥
User avatar
By 327retro
#57435
Thinker, RB & Manda some funny stuff guys. Needed a good chuckle today. Thanks.
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User avatar
By redback
#57487
See, its NOT MY FAULT.
Its the way I was bought up.
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User avatar
By Coffjr
#57533
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!


Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”

“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
User avatar
By FastFive
#57632
Dear Penthouse:

I never thought this could happen to me. I always assumed this was just the stuff of pornographic movie scripts or the most perverse of Anaïs Nin fantasies.

First of all, I'm a plumber who happens to read Anaïs Nin. With an occupation such as this or any kind of house-calling type of job such as exterminator, refrigerator repairman or a person who fixes small desks at people's homes, you always meet the most interesting people...and the most sexy!

At one morning appointment, I was greeted at the door by a totally hot woman. She had a nice, round full butt and enormous heaving boobs. Her wild raven hair was compellingly tussled and led the eye to her partially unbuttoned top, which gave a teasing glimpse of the aforementioned enormous heaving boobs. Well, I thought, I need to stop eyeing her and get to work before she notices and gets me fired. So, I went about my work.

But she turned me on so much that, when I got home, my wife could see the lust in my eyes.

Immediately, right there in the kitchen, we ate dinner with the kids, watched some TV and went to the bedroom. I asked my wife if we could make love. "Fine," she replied seductively.

We put away our clothes and before you know it, I was literally kissing my wife. Things were getting warmed up.

"I was wondering if you would try doing fellatio," I commanded.

"No," she purred.

Soon, we were fucking in the missionary position. I couldn't believe it! It was something we never dared propose to each other. Before this, we'd always relied on a position which was much more tame and involved us being in separate rooms.

Just FYI, I came so quick into her mound.

She said she didn't enjoy it...much!

But it wasn't over: we hugged and stroked each other's hair and eventually fell asleep like animals!

Name withheld,
Portland, OR
User avatar
By rockclimber
#57672
Coffjr wrote:One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!


Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”

“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
Good one Jr!

Best I can do is this one......

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Gotta have eight inches, erm, characters, to work well.... he he!
User avatar
By Coffjr
#57718
And my reply to size does matter:


Female response to a survey on size.

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than that.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger!

6 inches - Perfect.

7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.

9 inches - Painful but manageable.

10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach.


This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of
Subway Sandwiches. But I'm a little disturbed at the way you think!
User avatar
By Coffjr
#57719
An oldie.....

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it......

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
User avatar
By FastFive
#57725
Coffjr wrote:This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of
Subway Sandwiches. But I'm a little disturbed at the way you think!
Just as I was thinking, "right on. I am so in that sweet spot..." :roll:
User avatar
By 327retro
#57743
Great stuff Jr. & Rock. :)
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User avatar
By FastFive
#58101
Image


:lol:
User avatar
By Coffjr
#58160
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on . ' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
User avatar
By FastFive
#58209
Honest Movie Trailer:

50 Shades of Grey

I almost cried laughing at this. :lol:
User avatar
By Coffjr
#58212
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
User avatar
By Coffjr
#58213
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. :o
User avatar
By 327retro
#58270
Did someone say groaner jokes?
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User avatar
By FastFive
#58673
Eye contact... so very important!

Image
User avatar
By Coffjr
#58676
Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
User avatar
By Coffjr
#58677
Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
User avatar
By Coffjr
#58678
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
User avatar
By FastFive
#58883
Oh... I WANT that t-shirt!!! :lol:
User avatar
By rockclimber
#58887
Here's one that brought back fond memories "punctuated" with laughter!

Cheers and more Cheers......
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User avatar
By redback
#58958
Even an Aussie got this one...lol


Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with
his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're
running for President of the United States.
User avatar
By 327retro
#59027
redback wrote:Even an Aussie got this one...lol


Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with
his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're
running for President of the United States.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: !
User avatar
By redback
#59047
Im not sure what species of bird these are but I can tell you there is 1 male and 4 females......lol
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User avatar
By Coffjr
#59064
BACK PEW

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how
much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said
in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

GOTTA LOVE THOSE SENIOR CITIZENS !
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