[327retro]

Confucius say: Never stick pecker where not belong unless money in hand. :roll: :roll:

[redback]

Smart man that Confusius. Tiger Woods should have had him as his caddy....lol

[Coffjr]

MEDICAL EXAMS

A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

[rockclimber]

I can see that happening lol. You get tired and the adrenalin kicks in and bamm. No personal experiences though.

[redback]

Be aware of this scam. 2 young ladies posing as pest exterminators caught me out on Monday, Tuesday and twice yesterday.

[Skeetz]

Bit of a slow learner are you RB? Well take heart my friend . . . You must be a great dancer to bring them back time and again!

Kinda' reminds me of the young and lovely Avon Lady I came to know very well some five decades ago. I was 19 and working away from home, living in a 16 foot travel trailer. She was 21, hotter than hell, working her way through college. She knew a soft touch when she saw one and before long she was showing up at my door once a week. About a month into this game she had me convinced that the only way to truly appreciate the fragrance of each new product was to apply it to bare skin! That made perfect sense to me and it wasn't long before we were both naked every week, to do our Avon business.

[redback]

A must have for your next birthday party

[327retro]

Wonder what flaming progressive lib school district came up with that one. Bachelorette, Bachelor or adult birthday party for sure. Although the Bachelor party would need stairs up rather than a slide down. :roll:

[honora]

I'm amused and amazed

astleypage.jpg (89.37 KiB) Viewed 14772 times

[FastFive]

I miss the good ol' days of the internet... back when things were done for pure fun, and not every "fun" thing you saw was really someone's attempt at going viral.

Long live the RickRoll!

[honora]

FF, so true

[Skeetz]

Sadly the art of meaningful thoughtful writing is all but lost!

I am going to try to find a letter that my mother had received from a suitor many years before I was born. Sometime in the early 30s I believe, this Guy must have really been head over heels for my mother, as he obviously spent a great deal of time composing the letter.

It was written as a "Dear John" letter, (Or dear Hilda in this case,) but only if you read the entire body of the letter straight through. The key to the real meaning was reading every other line, which revealed a beautifully crafted love letter! My mother was a gifted and prolific writer in her younger days, and she tried valiantly to instill the same in me, with questionable results.

The boyfriend, author of the letter, was appointed poet laureate of Fresno County some years later and he was in attendance at Mom's funeral some 60 years after it's writing. I had not yet found it at the time. He approached me after the service to introduce himself. I had heard Mom mention his name over the years so I knew who he was. This 90-year-old man was obviously just as emotional as I, and all he could manage to say before turning to leave the church was, "I loved her too."

When I found that 60+-year-old letter amongst her keepsakes, I understood!

If I can find it I will try to reproduce it here. I think Mom might appreciate being published posthumously!

[Coffjr]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . .. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.

[rockclimber]

Skeetz,

I'd love to read it if you happen across it. That was a touching story.


:ugeek:

[DangerousDi]

love the green grass joke.

[Coffjr]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

[327retro]

Ummm: NO comment. Although?, maybe not. Moving on.

[Coffjr]

Why Grumpy, are you speechless?

[327retro]

You could say that Jr.. One of those times no mater what one says the tit will be in the wringer if misread. :roll:

[FastFive]

[FastFive]

[FastFive]

[redback]

more wise tips

[DangerousDi]

@redback, those were good ones.

[Coffjr]

Should be required equipment??

[redback]

I agree jr, make it law...lol

[redback]

More wise words to make your life happier.
Where would you blokes be with a wise friend like me to advise you?????????
Ahhh dont answer that....

[FastFive]

That Adam Sandler one is hilarious!!!

[327retro]

RB, holy crap man, still LMAO.

Breathe Right Strips huh. I can see the advertisement in the men's magazine's now Jr..

[327retro]

It's a redneck sort of thing, but ya'll will get it.

[redback]

Ok, its your friendly neighborhood guru back with more wise words of wisdom for ya.
Now I know ya all been complaining that ya just cant understand women. Well I got me a government grant and done some scientific research on the subject for ya. After lots of DNA testing, Finger painting... I mean printing, and many hours of studying the subject, ( bit like CSI only more fun cause I used live bodies instead of dead ones), I came up with this scientific formula.
Now you shouldn't have any more problems.

[redback]

Shit, forgot to add the formula. here goes.

[redback]

During the above mentioned scientific research I also tested my subjects to the affects of alcohol.
Here are my findings.

[Skeetz]

It's a redneck sort of thing, but ya'll will get it.

Grump, I'm forwarding this pic to my 15 yr. old granddaughter. She turns 16 this fall and she's bucking for a new, four-wheel-drive GMC.

I'm trying to steer her toward a Camaro! There just aren't a lot of hills or mud boggs between her house and school!

[327retro]

Skeet, we need to talk!

First off, a "New" Jimmy 4X4? For a 16 year old??? I do like her style, but question her expectations and more so if her parents capitulate to such an "unreasonable" expectation. You should know better Skeet! It isn't like it was in the old days. We had to build our own 100+ mph cars. We had to have a job to do so and most of all a love and desire to constantly work on those things. It's a drive & passion that can't be handed out and certainly not bought with high dollar new stuff.

If the girl wants a 4X4 she already may know of places to go with it and it certainly isn't from home to school. Get her a Camaro and she will lose her license in nothing flat or her life. At least see how much she is into 4X4ing and see if she is willing to learn about it and work at it. A side note of fact. The more friends the youngins can pack into a vehicle the more the danger. A Pickup is actually a better choice in the true sense.

I fully understand you may have been joking around Skeet, but all to many parents now-a-day don't have a clue. Sugar & I struggle every day to meld the old with the new and hope for the best.

My sincere apologies to all for waxing philosophical on what is to be a fun silly section of COFF. If I had thought of it sooner I would have transferred this to the Town Hall section. But I have to go now. Good day ya'll.

[Coffjr]

On a lighter note...

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her: 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her: That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

[Skeetz]

Jr., Ouch! I am trying mightily to not take that one too personally!

Grumpy, I didn't say she was going to get that brand-new Jimmy, just that she really wanted one. But I think a two or three-year-old Camaro is a definite possibility. I could live with that, she's a great kid, even if she did inherit her grandfathers, "Need for Speed."

But you're preaching to the choir brother, my first ride was my dad's '51 Dodge pick-up, (flat head six, a real racer.) I had wrecked it by hitting a Walnut tree in my own yard when I was 15. He told me if I could rebuild the front end by the time I turned 16 I could have it. I showed him, got'er done with three months to spare. I used that extria time to build my own set of reversed wheels, (15" Chevy outers on the stock 16" Dodge centers,) no chrome, but a set of Baby Moons, and I was proud of 'em.

Then I split the exhaust manifold, and put a pair of 16 inch glass-packs on it.Then it was a racer! Drove that old Dodge for a year and a half till I had the cash to buy my yellow '57! That old faded red pick-up with the primered front end was one helluva chick magnet, believe it or not!

[327retro]

Jr., If that body builder would have thought faster he could have said no problem little lady just give it a few tugs it'll get longer. :roll:

[Coffjr]

Good one Grumpy - if I ever have that problem, I hope to use that line. :lol:

[327retro]

Ok you Northern/Yankee kids tired of making up Snow Days with an extended school year? We in the South have a solution for ya. Hay ya'll still can play hooky, just say the snow was pilled up and couldn't get out your door.

We can fix that with the school board & truant officer. I most cases we can get you on board from a first floor window, that goes for the teachers too.

[DangerousDi]

Reto: Never made an excuse for a snow day. In fact they don't even shut down the schools in a snow blizzard. By the way we don't call you people in the south names, so why call us Yankee? That war is over.

Always have to correct you people from the South, that is like insulting us up north. I know it isn't meant that way and you all say it, but come on the war has been over for years, and if we are Northern, they why the name calling? Not offended, but really. I have several friends in TX and made it clear you don't call us Yankee's, we don't go by that and the war anything my parents or grandparents participated in. Africa war, WWI war, but not fighting with the South. Also should we make up a slang name for your in the south?

Love you RETRO.

[DangerousDi]

RETO great joke, love the transportation. LOL :lol:

[Coffjr]

Di - My great grandfather and his brothers fought for the South but still I'm considered a Yankee. I've never been offended by it - it's no big deal.

What Africa war are you talking about? WWII fought in Northern Africa? My family has been in most of the war our country has fought (except for the most recent in the middle east). But we do span from Vietnam to the American Revolution.

There is a slang name for Southerners - it's Rebs.

[Coffjr]

New Murphy's Laws:

1. Law of Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


2. Law of Gravity -Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.


5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.


6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.


7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


8. Law of the Result -When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthestfrom the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!


17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!


18. Doctors' Law -If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[redback]

very wise words jr. and very true :lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

For all you young blokes out there havin trouble understanding the female of the species.
Pretty simple really.

[Skeetz]

By george, I think I've finally got it, after only fifty years of studying the gender! lol

[honora]

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[Skeetz]

Honora, I am 4 for 4 on this chart, but what's next?

I really hope it's a beautiful pink nippled breast just like yours!

Belated Happy Birthday wishes Sweetheart! Sorry I missed the big day.

[Coffjr]

Honora - I hate to say it but I'm 4 for 4 also - depends on what's in the bag. Had to have a saline drip for dehydration.