[Coffjr]

Here is a joke going around.

[Coffjr]

And here is another......

[Thinker]

I was on a nudist forum where everything in the forums became political. The site is dead now. I will refrain from doing that here.

[Greydawg]

Too funny, jr. I'll be home from vacation on Wednesday and have a few funny e-mails to share here.

[Greydawg]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Greydawg]

My wife and I went to the Orange District agricultural show And one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the
breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~ That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn something from him.'

We walked to the third pen and this also had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.?’

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

:? :? :?

[Greydawg]

I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.

If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers---well that goes without saying . . . Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves . . .

With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers".

:roll: :roll: :roll:

[Coffjr]

Hope your world isn't like this......

[Greydawg]

Not yet, jr. But I don't have a laptop or a smart phone. So it's not a problem. :lol:

[redback]

This bloke takes his girl for a walk in the bush. They stop by a bubbling creek and go for a skinny dip. They get out and lay on the grass and allow the sun to dry their naked bodies. Pretty soon they start to make out. Then the girl lets out a scream. The bloke grabs his mobile and rings the doctor.
The doc answers and the bloke says, "My girl has been stung on her pussy by a scorpion, its all swelled up and we cant have sex. What should i do?"
Doc says, "MMMMMMMMM bummer."
Bloke says, "ohh yeah, good idea, thanks doc."

[Greydawg]

Sounds like British humor. Good one Redback. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Greydawg]

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors - I kid you not.....

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE! :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

[redback]

Thanks Gredawg, but , like your PINO MORE, I'm Australian, and seeing as my senior yrs. arnt far away Il be keeping an eye out for that brand at the local bottle-o. Thanks for the tip mate.

[Greydawg]

Redback, thanks for setting me straight. Seems you Aussies and the Brits share some common words that threw me. It's funny... we have three countries that share a common language- sort of- but half the time we can't understand each other. I'm from southern Californian so try not to hold it against me. :roll:

IF you happen to find the PINO MORE, let me know how it works. :lol: :lol: I'm technically a senior so it could come in handy. :lol: :lol:

[Greydawg]

Possibly a re-run.

PADDY had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
.
Mick just barely managed to pull him back into the boat and safety.
.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
.
'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me farder, his farder, and his farder before him?"
.
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye farder, ye grandfarder and ye great-grandfarder were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

[redback]

Il pay that one Greydawg..

[Coffjr]

A newly retired cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?" "No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop," the homeless man replied.

"You were once a cop?" "Yes," the homeless man replied. "On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day."

“Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?" "No, I don't waste time with sugary foods," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can."

"Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?" "Are you nuts?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force."

"Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?" "What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores." exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the retired cop, "I'm not going to give you the money now. Instead, I'm going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man." The retired cop replied, "That's okay. It's important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex."

[Coffjr]

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the U.S. Marine Corps.

At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.
What chart doc? The young man asked.
The one on the wall! The doctor said.
What wall? Said the young man.

Sensing he had a dead beat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room naked.

Now what do you see son?
Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm as blind as a bat.
Well, you may not see anything, the doctor said, but your dick is pointing straight towards Paris Island, South Carolina

Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps'

[Coffjr]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[Greydawg]

Ten-HUT!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

Sorry, I was by the river - thought I also saw Grumpy there.

[Greydawg]

You probably did, jr. but he was looking for the 'shine. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Greydawg]

Any questions? :lol:

[Greydawg]

I don't know if it's true, but I'm willing to do my part to help out. :mrgreen:

[Thinker]

I volunteer!

[Greydawg]

Just remember, Thinker, you are behind me! :lol: :lol:

[Greydawg]

Maybe I'm just a little twisted, but I thought this was really funny. :?

[Coffjr]

Count me in and I'm not talking about the pie. I think there is enough to go around. :lol:

[Coffjr]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviouslydemonstrating their

"Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.

What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"

[Greydawg]

For you, Grumpy! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[redback]

An Irish bloke was walkin home from the pub one rainy night when he slipped and fell into the gutter, landing on top of a leprechaun. Realizing he had captured a leprechaun he laughed with glee.
'I caught ya fair an square, I want me wish' he says
'Debateable' says the leprechaun, ' and its 3 wishes, what is your 1st wish'
The Irishman thinks for a minute and says ' I want a bottle o Guinness that never runs empty"
Bang, he has a bottle of Guinness in his hand. He checks the level and has a swig and checks the level again. Sure enough its still full so he has another bigger slug and checks, still full.
'Ok, what's ya next 2 wishes, I want to go home some time tonight' says the leprechaun
" I'll have another 2 o these" says the Irishman............

[honora]

Four college women were on a missionary trip when the bus they were riding on crashed and they died. They end up at the gates of Heaven together and meet with St. Peter at the entrance. He tells them they are able to enter after they have been cleansed of all their sins. A bath of water appears before them.

The first woman shyly states how she stumbled upon a porn site and saw lots of naughty things happening. He tells her she must wash her eyes with the Holy water and she complies and enters through the gates. The second girl reluctantly says she gave her boyfriend a hand job in the back seat of his car. He tells her to wash her hands with the Holy water and she will be granted entrance. Just as the third girl is about to speak, the fourth girl interrupts and says she needs to go next because there is NO way she is drinking that water after her friend washes her ass in it.

[redback]

Il pay that one honora

[Jbe]

Good one, Miss H. The visual cracked me up.

[Coffjr]

John - what cracks is up? Oh, you up. No never mind - the visual will be too shocking. :lol:

Yes, Good one Lil Red. Keep them coming.

VERN' S FUNERAL


Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Vern. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

[honora]

A man was cheating on his wife with his secretary, and one day after lunch they decided to go to her place. After a few hours of hot sex they ended up falling asleep. He woke at 8 pm in a panic. In a frantic state of dressing he asks the woman to take his nice shoes and rub them real good in the grass and dirt. She throws him a confused look before obliging.

He speeds home to find his wife standing in the doorway. "Where have you BEEN?!" she yells. He closes his eyes and lowers his head, "Darling, I have to confess that I was with my secretary today and we have been having an affair." He opens his eyes as he hears her scream out and point down "You lying bastard! You have been playing golf all day!"

[Jbe]

Honora... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[FastFive]

Not exactly a joke.... but definitely a groaner.

[Jbe]

Ohhhhhh.... that is a groaner for sure! Good one FF.

[Jbe]

Little jr gets sent to the principal's office. The teacher asked what comes after 69. Apparently "mouthwash" was not the answer. :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Jbe]

:cry: :cry: :cry: RIP, Robin. You made the world a happier place.

[rockclimber]

Nah new nah new

[honora]

So true John; very few "famous" people have caused such a reaction from me; he is one of them. This really broke my heart! His family made a wonderful statement today saying not to focus on his death but rather all the laughter he brought to the world. So that's what I'm going to do...

"The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken." Robin Williams

[Thinker]

Honora, I agree...celebrate the life, not the loss. BTW, can you prove that erotic is using a feather? Please????

[honora]

Thinker you make me laugh! I will certainly make an attempt to prove it!

[RCNCO]

So much joy and laughter was added to the world by Robin Williams, it's tragic he had such sadness inside that he felt the need to go. I saw a picture of him with his daughter today and for the life of me I cannot understand how he could leave her side. The pain his family must feel is incomprehensible.

Artists and genius walk that fine line at the edge of darkness sometimes, I guess. I love the quote Honora, he artfully (and far more simply than I could ever express anything!) makes a humorous observation about us all; funny yet deeply true. We "get it" without even needing an explaination. I haven't the gift, though his humour and take on life will continue to be an inspiration.....

The movie "Up" sums it up, I hope he finds his peace........

[RCNCO]

Honora, you slipped in under me while I was off looking for my rubber chicken, ha ha! Then I got philosphical....

[rockclimber]

One last......

[327retro]

I really don't get it. A God given talent thrown away when he should have been at his best. A family torn up wondering for the rest of there lives what they did wrong. Selfish self-centered with out concern for those that loved him. That is if he did off himself. Are all the facts in yet?

My heart & prayers go to his family and close friends now left in turmoil.

My random thoughts for what there worth.

Peace, Love, Out!

[327retro]

July 29th. You saw me by the river Jr? I have to work on my camo!!! :roll: