[Coffjr]

Longest password:

[327retro]

I noticed she's blond Jr. Hmmm, I'm either getting old or being with Sugar all these years, that has some merit. :lol: :roll:

I better just moon walk on out-a-here before Sugar reads this.

[Coffjr]

Yep Grumpy - she is a blonde. No offense Sugar - I'm sure this doesn't reflect any on you. There are blonde exceptions.

[Thinker]

She looks like someone I know!

[DangerousDi]

They call it a Blonde moment. The action is to swoop your hand over your head when you have one.

[Skeetz]

That "Longest Password Story" sounded a lot like my first wife's kinda' thinking . . . but then she was blond too.

Jr., I'm dying to here the rest of the, "Blond on a train," story . . . did the old man get it to whistle or not?!

[Jbe]

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the central dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok !

I tried to check this out on Snopes and they said I was a pervert!

[Coffjr]

Good one John. :lol:

[Coffjr]

Oh John, I also checked with Snopes. They said....been talking with that pervert John, haven't you. :lol:

[Coffjr]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Brockville were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

I didn't see it coming either.

[Coffjr]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

[Jbe]

Good ones, jr! I did a check of Snopes again and they asked if I knew you. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Coffjr]

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the Rednecks sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the heck is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "Its okay boys. He's one of us."

[DangerousDi]

CoffJR: Now that was a good one, but my southern friends might no appreciate it. Okay I'm from the north too.

[Jbe]

Danged old hippies!

[Thinker]

Great one. I was focused on her so much that I did not notice "her!"

[Coffjr]

DD - my Southern relative will laugh at the joke. And my Southern friends will just call me a sick puppy.

[Jbe]

jr, sounds like you are talking about Grumpy! :lol:

[Coffjr]

John - yep, sounds like something Grumpy would say. :lol:

[327retro]

Now hold on one pea pickin minute! Ya'lls a bunch of sick puppies, pickin on our live stock like that. Talkin about Hippies, whistling on a train, ventriloquists, keeping the car in the garage, ya'll ain't right. BTW, Eli May loves her critters. :?

Well I better git, my cousin Dixie got this Doctor book and she wants to show me what she learned, something about cunnilingus & fellatio. She must be wrong about that last part. That's what ya do to a fish before ya put in the fryin pan. :roll:

Dixie's here got to git. :lol:

[Thinker]

Hope you did her vaginal exam well. The tongue is my favorite instrument to use...much more sensitive.

[Coffjr]

Grumpy, is that why Elly May didn't have any fellas, just critters? I thought it was because of Jed's shotgun or was that the grandma who had the shotgun? Of course I'm too young to remember who Elly May was or what you are talking about...but wait, so are you.

[Thinker]

I'm not too young. She was every testosterone laden adolescent's dream. Would love to go skinny dipping with her in the cement pond.

[Coffjr]

Attitude

Fri night I gradually woke up in the hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, *'Can I feel your tits, then?' *

NOW, "THAT'S" A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

[DangerousDi]

Coff JR: Great one. I also notice your pro pic is ready for St. Patrick's? Ever drink green beer? I have say no I haven't but we have a town that does it on St. Patrick's, as it has become a tradition.

[Coffjr]

DD - yes, that is my St. Patty's day propic. I'm not much of a beer drinker and never tried green beer.

[DangerousDi]

I love the pro pics you pick. Very sexy pictures.

[Coffjr]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

"How dare you touch my body!

I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[327retro]

I'm sooo going to get killed for this, but was she blond?

BTW, EllyMay was very blond, did wonder about the critter at times. Jed & grandma had shotguns. Ya'll have to watch reruns more how else would I know this stuff. :roll:

Great weekend ya'll.

[Coffjr]

Yes Grump, she was a blonde.

Here is another - I'm sure a lot of guys can relate....and ladies - I just copy and send them, I don't create them so don't kill the messenger.

What deep thinkers men are

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case… Time for another beer

[Coffjr]

Here's one for you Grumpy

Shortage on ammo:

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

[Coffjr]

Quote for the day:

[DangerousDi]

So true and you can do that when you are driving, walking etc.

[Coffjr]

DD - I ran into the back end of a car while watching a woman once. Just glad I wasn't going about 5 MPH. I learned to have someone with me watching the cars in front of me. :lol:

[DangerousDi]

CoffJR: OH MY did you scratch it? Oh that almost sounds bad Scratch it.

[Coffjr]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,

"Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

[327retro]

A little late but I sure can relate to that ammo scenario Jr. She would have been flummoxed at several of my retorts. Then again maybe not. :roll:

Something to be said for cheep sunglasses, but those things could cause an eclipse on there own, not to mention hurt ya in the wallet, ever try to buy a bra that size for a woman? Not to mention while sleeping and she rolls over on ya the wrong way. Wonder if they come with emergence oxygen masks.

Recon mass transit does have some perks after all.

[Coffjr]

Well Grumpy, I'd have to show the kid how to do it two stops back. And to make sure he understood - I'd attend to both of them.

[Coffjr]

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was porn!” cries the son. The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.

[Thinker]

Father/Daughter

An elderly father found a vibrator in his daughter's bedroom and asked her about it. She told him that she was 40 years of age, unmarried, hadn't had sex with a man, and that she had to have a life!

The next evening she came home to find her dad sitting with a whiskey dry in one hand and the vibrator in the other.

"What are you doing?" she asked him. "What does it look like?" he replied, "I'm having a drink with my son-in-law!"

[Coffjr]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

"No Ma'am, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints."

[redback]

Only found this thread last night and stayed up to 2am reading it. Got quite a few chuckles out of it so I thought Id put one in too. Hope you like.

Three blokes in a pub, an Italian, a Pom (English) and an Aussie, bragging about who make the best lovers.
The Italian of course claimed they were the best.
'Why justa last night I maka love to my wife.' Says the Itie. 'Whena she cum she floated a foot offa the bed."
'That's nothing old boy.' says the Pom. 'We British are the best lovers. Last night I made love to my wife and she orgasmed with such pleasure that she floated three feet off the bed.'
'You blokes are amateurs.' claims the Aussie. 'Just this morning I slipped it to the missus, got up and wiped my dick on the curtain and she hit the flammin roof.'

[Greydawg]

A woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Dublin pub. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit. Pointing to all the people sitting at the bar, she asked, "What man here will buy a lass a drink?" The bar went silent as most patrons tried to ignore her.

Down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Pour the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lass another drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

[Greydawg]

Aeronautical Quiz

They say it is common sense but here is a Clue: Just remember that a helicopter's blade (in cross-section) is shaped like an airplane's wing, and both catch air giving lift..now answer the question.... This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. However, the answer may surprise you.

The Question: "What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?"

I got it wrong, too!

[Greydawg]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A older fellow sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit.

[Greydawg]

The new brew pub opening up for seniors:

[Greydawg]

A woman goes on holiday to Barbados ......Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says.Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, that he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again,
"Can you please tell me you name?"
"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me,” says the black man.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Okay. My name is Snow!" the black man replies,
and the lady bursts into laughter;
The black man gets mad and says,
"I knew you would make fun of it".
The lady replied,
"I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband back home who won't believe me when I tell him I had 8 inches of Snow every day in Barbados!"

[Greydawg]

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

[Greydawg]

Sports political correctness -Tongue in cheek

I agree with our Native American population---I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay, We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns..

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men's lives. Besides, the South shall rise again!!

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals---gone!

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children---and it is all about the children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children. The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity--a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers---well, that goes without saying.... Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves...

And ohhhh...With all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers".

[redback]

Me an Dan were killed in a car accident and being the top blokes that we were we went straight to heaven. We were met at the pearly gates by St Peter who issued us with all the items needed to survive in heaven and a copy of the rule book and told us if we had any problems to come straight to him and he would set things straight.
A couple of weeks after our arrival I was floating around on my **** when I saw Dan float by. Well I was shocked. There was Dan on his **** with one arm around a keg of xxxx (beer) and his other arm around the most beautiful woman Iv ever seen.
Well I cranked up the fan and went looking for St Peter to find out what the go was. I found St Peter and pointed Dan out to him and said 'What's the go Pete, Dan's got a keg and a blonde and I'm on my pat and dry"
St Peter said 'He's on punishment'
'Punishment " I say "How can that be punishment"
St Peter smiled and said 'The kegs got a hole in it and the blonde hasn't".